Excerpt From 'I Might Say Something Stupid'

It really boils down to this.

BoJack Horseman, S3E8

School's started

I drink at least one iced matcha latte with oatmilk a day

I'm in love with my teacher

Six days sober

Recently learned about a type of pattern synesthesia where people can pick out 4-leaf clovers easily

I wonder if they are more lucky

The sky is a foggy dark gray like I’ve hotboxed the whole planet and not just my 13th floor apartment, smoke curls out the window and it always has somewhere to go.

There is no room for hesitation or stupidity. It just is, and I am carried by want, impulse, the direction of the wind.

Like she said, I want to feel the heat of all the bodies. I want to be alive but aliveness disgusts me, I want to be predictable and human-like. Every moment I am thinking about how it will end and this gets me nowhere, so no wonder I feel stuck.

Trapped in between two tall buildings, endless city blocks, always paralyzed by fear, asking stupid questions like it’s part of my nature— which it is— existing under a false lightless sky; I’m finding wonder in things that I can’t see, taking the easy way out.

I miss weheartit

Sunny is a girl in a sea of girls

I want to be loved like a piece of jewelry. You would hate it if I were gone and you would feel my absence like a misplaced thought.

The third and last time we met you did not touch me in a new or exciting way. This is when I realized I was searching for a feeling that did not exist.

I want to be loved like a thing you find god in. There are few things like that: writing, discipline, truth. But I am no vessel of god, I am searching for it too.

Even though I looked at your face for many hours I cannot remember it. You had eyes and a mouth, unshaven. Your body cold and made to worship. The missing section of the heart is where humanity lies and your heart is impossibly whole.

On being weak

Rainy days, everyone is equal. Everyone's pant cuffs soaked, smokers under awnings. We're all missing somebody else.

I basked in idleness like a dog in light. I saved myself.

Things healed and plants grew and if I die here or not litters will still be born. I could be born with them.

Excerpt from 'For you I am a child'

I couldn’t see the letters my hand formed, black against blue on black, but I knew they were there. After this blind exercise was completed, I returned the pen and wrapped my cold feet back into the blanket. Now, it was easy to fall asleep, and if I dreamed that night, I do not remember.

If a poem can be anything, I could’ve written anything. How to make avocados ripe, directions to a church of law, a vow, an elegy, how to rig a sailboat, fold a fortune teller, French inhale, sin, make good oatmeal, kiss without teeth, escape self-delusion, write a novel, give a blowjob, be less, be more, leave everything behind, get blood stains out of white sheets, hold eye contact, not get lost in New York City, find the nearest body of water, win at solitaire, be alone, write in dip pen, build a portal, be with others, float, harmonize, unlearn shame, learn guilt, . . .

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For you I am a child

My body A bag of rice Split open face-down I yawned Tasted cigarettes In the back of my throat Knew I’d ruin myself Again and again Made a h

Bruises on my knees i don't know where they came from. My seventh cigarette of the day.