One Thing That Makes Me Sad To See In The Communities Of People With Disorders That Cause Highly Volatile,

One thing that makes me sad to see in the communities of people with disorders that cause highly volatile, intense or irrational emotions is the common sentiment that such emotions cannot be safely expressed to the person that they are about without hurting them.

People seem to feel trapped in not speaking to others about their feelings, making them stew in them alone while the feelings get worse and worse, or letting them explode out at the person in a hurtful fashion.

I wanted to share what works for me. This may not work in every relationship that you have, but it will at least be a way for you to communicate your emotions and know that you are not doing anything wrong by doing do.

The core of this is basically I statements. It sounds very simple and like it should not work, but it is very helpful. It is a bit more complicated than that and I will get into it but tldr; is just make sure you are phrasing things like 'i felt x' or 'i have urges to y' rather than to just say x or y.

For example, I have told my partner that I felt like I hated them and I have urges to cut them off. By phrasing it in this way, they can see that I am having a split, am recognizing that I am having a split, and am trying to communicate with them in a healthy way. Even if I am having negative thoughts about them, by phrasing it as an I statement I am indicating my desire to work through it. This would land very differently if I just said 'I hate you, I am cutting you off' which is a statement of fact and a life altering decision. They would not attempt to comfort me in this situation, they would instead say 'okay bye i guess. fuck you also'

It can feel like it would be terrible to tell them I even felt like I hated them because I worry they would take it as a statement of fact. But by phrasing it as a feeling, they are able to recognize it for what it is and approach me with compassion. It helps if, before you have a split on a person, you explain this to them, especially if they are unfamiliar with disorders that cause splitting. This can help prepare them to read what you are saying correctly as an attempt to communicate rather than a statement of fact.

Doing this can be difficult when you are gripped by a very strong emotion. What I like to do is to write it all down, exactly as it feels. Write in the notes of your phone or in a journal 'I hate you' and whatever else you are feeling without censoring yourself or trying to make an I statement. Then, you can go back over what you wrote and pick out what things you need to talk about, and rephrase it in a constructive manner. Or, if you are close enough to a person that you are both okay with this, you can ask them if it is okay to show them the raw emotions you wrote, with the important disclaimer of you telling them this is how you feel in the moment, and not objective fact.

You do not have to be alone with your emotions. It is okay to talk about your big emotions, even irrational ones, even ones that feel mean. It is just important that when you do, you say it in a way that acknowledges them as emotions and not fact, because presenting it as fact will hurt. Presenting it as the emotions that they are can help the other person to help you, and hopefully you will both be closer at the end, even if the conversation is a difficult one to have.