Damn That's A Beautiful Addition. Might Make Another Poem Inspired By That Lol

Unlearned Gravity

There’s a weightlessness

in the way I speak to you.

not floating,

but falling,

like lungs forgetting they were drowning.

You don’t ask for the truth,

but I offer it

like a child with scraped palms

offering dirt

as if it were gold.

And still—

something in me bends,

like an instrument warped by weather,

its chords creaking,

familiar,

like grief that never needed

a reason to return.

Do you ever feel it too—

the ease,

and then the sorrow that follows

without knocking?

The way something so simple

can still

hurt

like memory.

I've been mentally ill for most of my life. It's the only way I know how to exist.

I've become comfortable in my own fucked up world. I feel comforted by my fucked up thoughts in my fucked up mind. It's familiar, and familiar is comfortable. I feel safe in my own lack of safety.

Healing, on the other hand, is unfamiliar. Unpredictable. Scary. I've convinced myself that I don't want to heal. That I'm better off this way.

I'm Prometheus, chained to the rock as the eagle devours my liver everyday. But he's my only friend.

I'm Sisyphus, pushing the boulder up the mountain every day only for it to roll back down. But at least I know it will always be by my side.

I'm Tantalus, tied to the riverbed below a tree bearing luscious fruit. The water and fruit dance out of my way every time I reach for them, no matter how hungry or thirsty I get. But at least I don't harbor false hope that maybe I'll someday be satisfied.

Mental illness is much the same for me. I've become comfortable in my own misery. It is cruel, yes. But at least there is kindness in the surety of its cruelty.

And I've made my peace with drowning.

remembering your beautiful laugh feels like a knife through the heart

Escape

I've spent my whole life running away

From something or someone

Trying to put as much distance as I can

Between myself and others

But I've somehow managed

To distance myself from me

I don't know who I am anymore

Or what I am supposed to be

Now I'm trying to figure out

How to connect with myself

But it's like trying to bridge a chasm

That has no definite end

But ever since I met you

That gap seems smaller somehow

You've filled it with your warmth

And it doesn't seem impossible now

To find myself again

To be human, to be kind

You've glued all the puzzle pieces

Healed my body and mind

I've only ever thought about you once

Because you've never left my mind

It's you I think about before I go to sleep

Each and every night

You haunt me in my dreams

And every waking moment too

It's like I can't escape you

But I'm not sure if I want to

And I'm still spending my life running

But this time, I'm not running away

It's you who I'm running towards

And I'm hoping you'll let me stay

Because this is the first time

I'm not planning an escape

I finally feel like I'm home

And I'm hoping you'll let me stay

Death is an old friend.

She rocked my cradle when I was a baby. Held my hand as I took my first steps. Sat with me at lunch in school when no one else did.

She never says anything, but I understand her nevertheless. She finds ways to comfort me in silence.

I thought she was cold and distant at first. Cruel, even. When she tore apart families, orphaned young children, made parents have to bury their hearts along with their babies.

But she also provided peace to the ones who have been sick for a long time. Brought justice to those who wronged others. Ended much suffering.

She's kind and cruel at the same time.

She arranges visits with my grandpa sometimes if I ask nicely. He doesn't trust her, but he likes visiting me. He manages to put up with her long enough.

She's always there for me. Even when no one else is. Especially when they all leave. She visits me when I sleep, giving me a preview of what awaits.

She tells me my time will come soon enough. I'm glad. I find solace in her cold arms.

haha guess who traumatized their therapist (he needs therapy now)

yeah executive dysfunction goes hard

again, if they want to, they will.

Is this all I’ll ever be?

relapse yayyyy

There's nothing I wouldn't do for you

And yet it's not enough

Because I was never the one for you

Even though you were the one for me