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Why aren’t you sleeping on the bed? I want to sleep on the floor for one last night.

COLOR RUSH EP 1 AND 2- OBSERVATIONS AND COMMENTS

Wow Wow Wow. The thrill and pleasure, I have just received from watching Color Rush episode 1 and 2, whilst learning about this new trope with the color verse world that I’ve never heard of before. It is intriguing to see a soulmate au done this way, it’s cute, you’re meant to be excited and soft when they meet, it’s meant to be happiness and love and longing. But what we get with the Korean Bl Color Rush is far from that, there’s angst, drama, fear and exhilaration from the idea that our couple might be a danger to each other instead of actually saving each other.

With hints to themes of losing control like madness and obsession and the psychological toll being a mono ( having neurological colour blindness and has dampened emotions). First of all, there are clues of books laid around like the one a side character was reading Macbeth. That’s a worrying hint to what this show is exploring. It’s going to show the frightening aspect of a mono’s dependence on their probe to see colour, the addicting, obsessive, hunger once they have a colour rush.

It’s dangerous especially with how Yeon Woo explains it, people have killed for this feeling, people have chosen to break the law, and people have died to prevent themselves from doing something awful to their probes. It’s beautiful to see Yeon Woo meet his person, but it’s scary to think that it’s going to cause him to spiral and lose himself even more. Something he’s trying so hard to avoid.  This connection whilst fated is not a glamorous one, it’s shockingly filled with angst and disturbances, but it’s brilliant, and it’s keeping me on my toes.

In episode 2, we see another hint to this dangerous connection forming the praying mantis;  how a female survives by eating the head of her male lover after they get together. It’s obviously another resemblance to our soulmate connection’s theme and reality. What do we do when we’re falling for a couple that may very well need to be separated for both to stay mentally sane and rational? We see the effects on Yeon Woo again, like hit after hit of a drug he’s started to demand and lose his temper because of his fear of losing the feeling when he sees colours because of Han.

It’s just brilliant, Korea has done it again they’ve chosen an ambitious plot, and they’ve taken BLs to a new level. The issue? This should be like every other Kdrama and have one-hour episodes and it breaks my heart that it’s 15 minutes and only 8 episodes. But for now, the 15 minutes don’t feel like a disadvantage. Still, I can’t help but moan about the fact that this could be one of the best deep, angsty, emotional bl dramas if given more time to shine and work on its plot. Then again, sometimes having long runtimes can make a show laggier and include extra scenes that aren’t needed. We’ll see how that turns out with this drama. With Korean Bls though, it’s been the latter; we want more minutes, we want more episodes, we want more of this because it’s terrific to see honestly.

It’s not just the unique soulmate AU, Color Rush seems to have. It has a plot hinting to the mystery about missing people, including our main character’s mum who’s been missing for quite a while. Also, she’s not the only one; many Monos are going missing. This is intriguing, who’s targeting these monos a probe bent on revenge? Another mono who’s gone crazy and wants everyone to be unhappy because they didn’t find their probe? What could it possibly be? Or did they all just run away because they knew they were being taken down into a darker hole because of their need to depend on their probe no matter how hard they try to prevent it? Are they being experimented on by some weird company?

I’m so interested and ready to see where this show takes us. I rarely write so much for the first episode of a drama, but this BL is already screaming meta, depth, love and angst that can be broken down and looked into. I’m so excited, and I cannot wait to go on this journey and watch this story get stronger and stronger. Thank you Korea for always choosing ambitious exciting and unique plots, this is why we need more Bls in Korea, we need this, we need to see this more, we need to know these storylines more, and we don’t want it to stop. Just get better and better each year. Color Rush is a fantastic beginning to 2021. And I can’t wait to see where it takes us.

PatPran scenes as Taylor Swift songs.

Top 10 K-drama Actors: Honorable Mention 2 Moon Woo Jin

The main reason why he’s not in my top 10 is because we have yet to see him flourish to his full potential, but I’ve known since The Beauty Inside that’s this kid is one of the most talented actors I’m going to see in my life.

We all know that if he’s listed in a tv show, there’s going to be some tragic past subplot and I can guarantee you, you will cry. That child can cry from his heart and make you cry along with him. And if he isn’t crying, his facial expressions and the way he tells the story will!

Just  to list a couple of his works:

The Beauty Inside: Where he had to act like a grown up actress trapped in a child’s body. Hilarious and a great showcase of his talent.

What’s wrong with Secretary Kim? Where he portrayed the tragic past of  Lee Young-joon (Grown up version portrayed by Park Seo Joon)

Psycho but it’s okay: Honestly, if you haven’t cried in at least one of the flashbacks or the combination of Moon Woo Jin’s acting with Kim Soo Hyun’s, you have my respect.

Come and Hug Me: Once again, playing the child version of the main lead, with an amazing performance. We also get the well known flashback combo of Moon Woo Jin (child) and  Nam Da Reum (teen, btw, I should probably give him an honorable mention of his own, I actually considered putting the combo as an honorable mention). 

This particular combo is also seen in What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim, and pretty much any k-drama where the main lead has a tragic past that is well explored. Nam Da reum also has a bright future ahead of him as he’s headed into adulthood, and I hope I can see him in a lead role soon enough.

“Do you feel ticklish cause fans are shipping both of you?”

Nanon: Nope. Cause we're friends to begin with. We're friends that love each other a lot. Love each other as.. to put it simply, you could say we're soulmates. We work as partners, we have deep conversation about everything, know each other's good and bad side. We accept each other's flaws, to the point we become soulmates. Anything not good, we remind each other. Anything that we can support each other, we'll do it.

me, starting enchante: okay i'm here for some best friend pining let's go

me, halfway into the ep: OMFG IT'S MUTUAL BEST FRIEND PINING

that finale was perfect.

i don't think any other drama has handled a love triangle as healthy and softly as light on me did. how each character grew and did what they said they were going to do: change for the better.

how the two "rivals" still managed to keep being friends and not hold their "grudges" or whatever against each other. still just vibing, like friends should.

HOW SHINWOO AND TAEKYUNG STILL MANAGED TO BE BOTH CUTE, AWKWARD AND STILL BICKERING LIKE THE FIRST TIME???? the only thing that changed was them now being allowed to be disgustingly cute as boyfriends WITH SO MUCH HANDHOLDING and not caring what other say.

light on me really did that with the budget that they had, twice a week, 16 eps and 20min run time. one of the best series of 2021. don't even try to change my mind.

Color Rush- Crushes and Obstacles (Ep 5-6)

So I already analysed episode 5 of Color rush with the question focusing on the nature vs nurture of monos and probes. We basically have a show that keeps reminding us about the world and stigma of being a mono, the psychological regression, issues and lack of control that occurs once a  mono meets their fated probe. Because of this ideology, our main character finds himself being forced to make a choice of if he should embrace becoming a monster to keep his probe by his side or if he should be alone forever stuck in a depressive state, empty and lifeless. The issue with this way of thought is that apart from maybe the media showing him clues about how monos react when they meet their probes, there’s not enough evidence in my opinion that this is the only choice/way for a mono and probe to end up. Especially since our mono had seen a relationship where it was more or less successful before the mono maybe lost control once the probe died, that’s his mum and dad. So this analysis focuses more on that same question is it really the only ending for a mono and probe relationship; to end with chaos, and pain, and obsession, kidnaps, crimes etc., or is this just all a placebo effect that has been embedded into the minds of monos to be this way.

Monos and Their Probes

Let’s look at the details of episode 5 and 6. Yeonwoo and Yoohan’s relationship evolves as they both start to fall more and more for each other. For Yeonwoo, this is hard because he’s never known what that feels like, and his crush and attraction to Yeonwoo is even more enhanced in his mind because of the connection and link to Yoohan being his probe. But if we don’t focus on the fact that Yoohan and Yeonwoo are probes and monos and just see them as two high school boys who have feelings for each other who went on a date, went home after and chilled, their relationship becomes like every other normal relationship, no danger, no questions of obsession and addiction. Pause.

Devotion vs Obsession

When we have feelings for people we tend to become obsessed and addicted to their presence just a bit, it’s because of the serotonin, and dopamine released when we have a puppy love, a crush or even when we start to fall even more deeply for someone. It’s feelings of happiness, of euphoria, excitement, and more. So Yeonwoo and Yoohan just like every other couple are going through phases of these euphoric feelings, wanting to spend as much time with each other as possible, wanting to touch each other, wanting to stay together every single time. It’s what happens in a honeymoon phase of a relationship. You can’t let go of the other person. Now this doesn’t mean for us we want to go kidnap and commit crimes to keep our crush next to us, we may miss them, and want to keep talking to them but it doesn’t mean we’re insane, addicted or obsessed. Do you see my point?

I think Yeonwoo truly has exaggerated his feelings of a crush on Yoohan. He’s made it so much more worse than it has to be because he’s been fearmongered by the media into thinking just because he doesn’t want Yoohan to leave it means he’s turning into a monster when really he’s just liking and crushing on his new crush. He didn’t have to make the decision to go buy these kidnapping tools and to think of ways to make himself a monster, since that’s the only choice he believes he’s left with. No, he could have like every other normal person just missed him. So why is Yeonwoo letting himself go deeper into obsession and addiction and letting himself think he is a monster? In order to really look deeper to see if it’s truly the only end for a mono, or if it’s the environment that is making them this way; we have to analyse the psychological mindset of monos when they meet with their probes

Monos: The world of Lonliness and Depression 

The metaphor already for monos is lack; they lack color, lack brightness, lack vibrancy in their lives. They’ve been forced since birth to see the world in such a dark and oblique way. And as they find out about their condition, they are seen as monsters from the get-go, forced to be alone to avoid people in case they bump into their fated probes. The loneliness and the forced mindset of a mono to stay in this lifeless energy is really psychologically depressing and tiring. And it’s when they get a glimpse of hope, of companionship, love, colour, and more with their probes that Monos start to feel happy and joyful. Now it doesn’t have to be this way, Monos could end up feeling comfortable with their condition if they were just treated equally and right, but no they’re prejudiced, pushed away and bullied horribly once it’s discovered that this is what they are.

From a young age, monos are told that they are going to be monsters, they are going to hurt people, they are going to lose their minds one day. And this is just exacerbated in the media with fears and warnings of how monos interact with their probes. If from a young age, a mono is repeatedly told, this is who they are, then it forms a placebo belief and effect, and brainwash that this is the only way they can be. Mono’s don’t see any other way out, or a chance to be different because everyone feeds to them the same narrative of pain, despair and obsession. And it sucks. Look at how immediately Yeonwoo’s aunt reacts when she notices Yeonwoo and Yoohan have found each other, she immediately scolds him and tells him he has to move, so he doesn’t break and lose his sanity. She doesn’t give it the benefit of the doubt, or ask questions; she resorts immediately into trying to push them away from each other.

Now, this makes sense because she has lost her sister who was a mono who probably lost her mind once her probe died. And then went missing/ taken by maybe another mono (that’s what it seems Yeonwoo and his aunt believe happened). Because of this, there is a negative stigma with the aunt on how monos can behave, she has already lost so much because of monos, and so she doesn’t want Yeonwoo to be the same. The aunt is like everybody else in this world, whose first reaction to monos is to push away and to avoid, this world isolates and distances monos away from a chance to be happy, and live freely because of their condition.

The Psychological Implications of Being a Mono

The psychological implications of being a mono are so fascinating to me. It’s like a psychological disorder (despite it not being that way) are all psychopaths forced to hurt and become serial killers? Are all sociopaths meant to avoid people just because there’s a higher tendency that people could get hurt if it goes awry? No. Because just because you have a gene or a link to a family member that went crazy and started hurting people, it doesn’t mean you would make the same choice and do the same thing. Not everyone is the same just because they have the same disorder or mindset. And that’s the same for monos, monos don’t have to go crazy and hurt their probes. The separation from their probes obviously enhances anxiety and fear of going back into this lifeless, darkness that they finally found a way out of; this is what drives their actions. It’s just enhanced emotions and enhanced fears, but they don’t have to act on it, the people who do act on it are people who were weak or predisposed to other factors that make them want to be violent. Yeonwoo doesn’t have to plan ways to kidnap or take Yoohan when Yoohan would gladly stay by his side. He doesn’t have to be this broken or fearful of becoming a monster; he’s making these choices because he has a placebo mindset that this is who he should become. And it’s heartbreaking.

The thing is we see  Yoohan and Yeonwoo having a great time together, being happy and liking each others company without the color rush having to be the only focus of why they’re interacting. We do get to see Yeonwoo panic because of decolouring, and he enhances those emotions because of his already ingrained anxiety about what it means to want to keep Yoohan by his side. The way I see it, Yeonwoo has formed an anxiety about who he is because of how the world treats him and other monos, and because he has that issue with stress coupled with physical evidence that he’s losing colour, it drives him to think it’s a sign he’s becoming a monster. It’s not.

First of all, of course, he becomes worried and scared about losing colours, the decolouring effect is like going from a high to a low, when colour rush happens to monos it’s a euphoric effect, it doesn’t last, but like a drug it can lead to a crash and a hangover, so of course immediately Yoohan leaves Yeonwoo starts to crash and regress back into seeing the world as grey, and that makes his mindset also feel depressed coupled with the fact he does not want Yoohan to go because of his crush (not dependency). So Yeonwoo misunderstands his reactions when Yoohan leaves as him becoming addicted and obsessed with Yoohan with no point of return when really he’s just moody because his high is gone and he misses Yoo Han as a normal person does with their crush. So he’s talking himself into thinking the only explanation is his dependency on Yoohan for color and his obsession as a mono growing. And it’s sad, monos have been forced to feel this way, that they’re predatory, horrifying and cruel in their love when really they’ve just met the one, and they wish to be happy.

Society vs Monos

It’s his aunty who triggers this emotion, her conversation with him made him think there’s no other way out of becoming this monster because she put that fear that he may be forced to separate from Yoohan. And this is really where I think Monos become the versions they are shown (crazy, obsessed, crimes) in the news because not every mono and probe is going to be in love, not every probe may want to be with their monos, everyone has a different circumstance and that fear of losing colors, may drive a mono to doing things. However, I don’t think it’s natural for them to become so obsessed and so desperate to live with colors so much that they hunt down their probes and hurt others. That’s a specific few, ones that had those warped mindsets, or a more problematic background or a harsher philosophy. Not everyone becomes violent, some monos probably retreat from their probes and stay depressed, some fall in love with someone who isn’t a probe, there are so many different ways it could go, the thing is monos are only shown in one light, and that’s the people who chose to go far to keep their probes by their side through fear.

This self-hate and deprecation Yeonwoo has of who he is naturally reminds me so much of internalised homophobia, hating who you are naturally and thinking you’re wrong because of how society has made you see yourself. It’s the same feelings; the disgust, the anxiety, the repression etc. And we’ve already mentioned how monos and probes are probably metaphors of LGBTQ+ struggle, society making monos think it’s wrong to be with the people who love them and they love. This self-hate will make Yeonwoo feel he has no other option but to check himself into a hospital or institution or to (trigger warning)  end his life. And that’s just so messed up. I’ve seen many people question his mindset because from what we’re seeing his mother seems like she had a happy marriage with his father, shouldn’t she be proof that monos and probes can be healthy? But I think we’re forgetting that his father died, and from knowing how monos react to missing their probes, I’m guessing his mum couldn’t take it and also lost some of her sanity or she fell into depression and couldn’t get out of that. Also as mentioned, I think Yeonwoo thinks it’s a mono that kidnapped his mum, and so that also maybe gives him more resentment towards who he is, and again makes him think monos only end up committing crimes and hurt people they love.

But we need to know more about why he thinks this way and what other evidence they have about his mother’s missing case. Plus his mother has not been by his side for four years, and in those four years he’s been bullied, mistreated, have to move schools each time his condition is found out, so it’s been a long time of society again making him think he’s a monster, and without his mum there to help him see different, he just follows that mindset, unfortunately.

Yeonwoo and Yoohan; Just a crush

For Yeonwoo and Yoohan, their relationship is not just based on dependence, Yeonwoo thinks it’s the colours, and he does not understand it’s just feelings and him liking Yoohan since he first met him. Yeonwoo has had to push people away, and find excuses not to have friends, and Yoohan barged into his life without warning, both have been attracted and wanting each other from the start. Yeonwoo struggled with this information and rationalised it into thinking it’s because he wants the colour rush, but it isn’t that, it’s more than that, he just wants to be happy, in love and with Yoohan. Yoohan is the same as Yeonwoo, he’s also had to push people away, and alienate himself, and not care about the world or society because of his own condition, seeing Yeonwoo made him want to do more, he liked what Yeonwoo was to him, he liked having a crush on Yeonwoo, and so he also found himself wanting to stay with Yeonwoo for as long as he can. For a long time I’ve also been thinking he was just as obsessed and addicted to Yeonwoo like monos are to their probes, but no, he’s a teenage boy with a crush, and so is Yeonwoo. We also let the media and how society views mono make us feel worried and scared about these two’s relationship forming and whilst it was thrilling to think it could be more dangerous than it is, it’s really just two people falling in love with each other, and one psychologically scarred and brainwashed into thinking there’s something wrong with who he is naturally. And that’s just painful.

So yeah Color Rush; a look into psychological mindsets, nature vs nurture, the addictive feeling of what love is, and more, this show is so fun to watch and analyse and see how it’s going to turn out, but there are moments where it hurts and makes you think and question how society and media play a role in showing minorities, how they control the narrative about certain things and if that’s right. Fearmongering, prejudiced mindsets and more isn’t cool, but the world has always been led by these ignorant ideas without education and open mindsets, and it sucks. So watching color rush is an interesting metaphor and symbolism for the struggles some people have because of stigmas associated with conditions they have from birth, or just ideologies formed that isn’t necessarily true about who they are as a person, it only leads to self-hate, depression, anxiety, self-harm just to fit into society’s narrative and it sucks. Let’s hope Yoohan shows Yeonwoo he’s not a monster, and he’s okay being himself and loving Yoohan. he doesn’t have to hurt or go insane and do crimes because he’s a mono. He’ll be fine.  

Pat knowing that Pran isn’t ready to tell anyone about them yet and RESPECTING THAT and Pran going home and cheering Pat up (balcony scene) and making him laugh and feel better.  -  And then them communicating when they’ve a disagreement and ALSO APOLOGIZING TO EACH OTHER and trying to solve it (Like we never see in dramas).

They have such a healthy relationship and they work so well together. 

Pran and Pat best boyfriends, i said what i said.

In you I trust

Pairing: Tine/Sarawat (2gether)

Summary: Tine didn’t know what to do, how to feel. What he hadn’t realised was that the damage was already done. Years of dating people who didn't want him, getting rejected over and over again just because he seemed disposable had taken its toll. While he seemed bright and confident most of the time when it came to putting himself out there, his self esteem was in shambles. He did love himself and had a pretty good self-image but his ideals on how others should treat him were now a bit shaky. Did he deserve Sarawat? And what must he do to make himself worth it? What must he do to ensure he doesn’t disappoint, to make sure Sarawat doesn't leave him after the first week? (Basically includes all the communication we never got in the series. The one conversation that could have made it better.)

Fic starts here:

Tine looked into his eyes and stared as if he was searching for something. Much like a police officer peering into the eyes of a suspect desperately searching for answers. "Why?"

 "Huh?", Sarawat said bemused.

"Why do you want to be with me? What am I offering you that's so special? I certainly don't think I have done anything of note that could have attracted your attention. So other than being a good friend to you, what exactly have I done?", he asked his tone rising. 

Taken by surprise Sarawat curses himself for not realising sooner that something had been upsetting his boyfriend. "Please tell me where this is coming from", he pleaded, "I want to know just where the heck  all this self doubt is coming from".

His voice strained with trying to keep the tears in, Tine lets it all out. He needs Sarawat to, if not empathize, just listen and answer.

"I got a lot of people just wanting to be with me cause I looked good with them. Like I was an accessory. And the few who I thought liked me, well, turns out I was quite dispensable to them. So far I have never been a keeper. So why are you different? How can I possibly expect everything to be fine when I’m scared that you will up and run any moment?"

 Sarawat who had been staring at the floor contemplatively edged closer towards Tine on the bed. “Okay", he said, taking it all in. "Now it's your turn to hear me out. I like you for a lot of reasons, yes being appealing to the eye was one of them, but of course it wasn't the main reason. You think me, a guy who hasn't ever been in a relationship before, not even a hookup, would want to enter a long term relationship with someone based on trivial bullshit? From the moment I met you I had a feeling that we would click not just as boyfriends but as friends. I knew you would get me despite how weird I am. You have this aura that just makes me feel safe. I don’t know, maybe being an introvert helped me observe the way people behave. Because when I met you it was like I knew you, no, I felt you, the way you are as a person and it made me think 'This is someone I want to be with'. Not because you did something outstanding that attracted me, not because you're a catch and definitely not because you complete me. It’s just… you are free to be yourself around me and I can finally be comfortable in my own skin around you. Don't you think that's reason enough for me not to leave you?

Tine crumpled into Sarawat at that point. Sarawat felt dampness through the front of his T-shirt. “I’m sorry I didn't realise you were feeling insecure sooner" he said to the head sobbing on his chest. "I should have known. I promise to always be here, okay? Anytime you need reminding of why you are special to me I’ll be here.” 

Sarawat  didn't know when his own cheeks got wet and then they were just two boys in a room holding each other as they wept. "Oi!", Sarawat said lifting Tine off him. "Come on let's stop with this melancholic atmosphere."

 Wiping away his tears and then Sarawat's, Tine let out a contented sigh. "Thank you Wat. I needed this. I'll be here for you too, whenever you need reminding that you mean so much to me even if I don't make it evident at times. I'm still learning", he said while holding Sarawat's face, brushing away stray tears. He inched closer, just till he could feel Sarawat's  lips brushing his, and then planted a soft kiss. 

Sarawat broke away, grinning, "You're definitely learning well". "Salaleo! ", Tine exclaimed a similar grin creeping onto his face.