Having A White Monster Rn, Man It's Been Months Since I Last Had One, I Missed That Stuff

I just had the most intense ed nightmare.

I was in the living room just practicing some sort of gymnastic exercise - idk why I don't do gymnastics - and my parents had friends over and they just kept talking about how much weight they were losing and how much better they felt now that they're skinny. I got angrier and sadder and at some point I kinda snapped and yelled, "You guys know I'm still here as well?" and they kind of laughed and my Mom just have me really pitiful look and then told the entire group that she hoped that I would have at least one summer during which I'll feel skinny and confident. Like. What. And then she called me fat and insecure and I just scrambled to the bathroom crying trying to find my blades.

It took me a hot minute after waking up to realize that didn't actually happen.

Wtf honestly

Checking my cal counting app for comfort

wearing my hair open makes my face look slim but shearing it in a ponytail makes me look morr masculine.... Decisions, decisions, all of them wrong

Stracciatella protein pudding and blueberries my beloved yess

Still at my Grandma's... And I fucked up. Usually when I'm here, I either do really well or straight up binge, and it's appears that this time, I do both. Yesterday, I did really well actually but today was horrible. To be fair, no one in my family ate "normally" today, it's the ore-Easter shit, but I mean, they're not disordered, so I feel even more like a faker rn 😭

It's Easter tomorrow and I'm really scared. I'm feeling motivated to do well, but my family wants to go out for lunch tomorrow. I'll just get something from the kids's menu, skip breakfast and only eat a small dinner with my family if I can't avoid it.

And I really have to work on my steps! I feel awful for neglecting them, but I have a really important school project I need to work on... It feels like am excuse, but logically, it really isn't.

I mean, the day after tomorrow my Dad and I will leave already again, and the rest of the fam will stay with my grandma still, andy Dad will leave too after a few days, so my other sister and I will be home alone for a couple days at the end of the holiday s, which is great, since she doesn't really like me and won't force me to eat with her or something. Maybe she'll expect me to cook, because she's prepping for some exams, but that's fine Ig. I mean, I'm kinda planning to fast, but I'll also have to work on that school project, and I'll have to plan my eating depending on how much brain power I'll need then lol. So I have to finish as much of the project as I can now so that I'll be fine fasting/doing high res then.

Bruh why is this post so loong

Drinking water alone will get me hydrated and feeling overall better, but it's definitely not enough to make me skinny

Exercise may tone my body, but without a change in diet, in won't do that much

A cal deficit will make me lose weight overtime, but without exercise, it's quite slow (depending on the deficit ofc)

There are so many things playing a role - food is a huge part, but a whole bunch of stuff is important to make a safe, good change, so take care of your nutrition y'all

(Too lazy to make a proper list now - this sounded better in my head)

i think we forget ana is not the ‘currently deathly skinny disorder’ or even the ‘wants to get deathly skinny disorder’

loser idiot binges instead of starving

THIS exactly omg

why is my entire dash just edblr, wlw nsfw txt posts, occasional sh pics and every now n then something NORMAL 😭😭🙏