Dyingisfortheweekends - Hi!

This is a gift

good content

I am not less. I am more.

Mace Windu: [on TV] The only Jedi we can possibly spare are Skywalker and Kenobi.  Me: OH COME ON. The only two guys they can EVER spare are these two bickering idiots?! Are they just spending the entire rest of the war lounging around being beautiful and tired and yelling at each other? Does no one WANT to send them anywhere, for understandable reasons? WHY. WHY ARE THEY ALMOST ALWAYS THE ONLY ONES AVAILABLE. The Order doesn’t have the MOST Jedi they’ve ever had, fine, but they have a LOT of Jedi.  Anakin: [blahblahblah Obi-Wan I’m trying blahblahblah] Obi-Wan: [being a pompous ass]  Me: OH MY GOD. THEY ARE THE WORST. WHY IS ANYONE SENDING THEM ANYWHERE. Husband: [from the other room] They’re your favorites.  Me: I KNOW.

Aeschylus, Agamemnon (tr. by Anne Carson)

In honor of season 7, here’s this (based off of this)

I’m just imaging an AU where Padme’s pregnancy didn’t have to be a secret and Anakin is trying to pick out names for the baby so he asks his men for ideas, and the clones, of course, throw out names like

“Zapper!”

“Sling!”

“Bomber!”

“Kickback!”

Anakin is internally screaming, but he doesn’t want to insult them by saying those are terrible names so he’s just like, “…thanks, guys.”

look I know neil’s time in evermore was Bad and traumatic ik but nothing is funnier to me than the idea of a disgruntled jean moreau with a l’oreal box dye and a deathwish and no fucking clue how to even begin

jean, muttering: these instructions are in english and french and I still don’t know what I’m supposed to do with the second bottle

neil: fucking drink it you french bastard

Epilogue

[Shot of Anakin, traipsing down the Temple hallways, wearing a flower crown and humming to himself]  Obi-Wan: [being interviewed mockumentary-style] Yes, fortunately, I was able to convince Anakin to talk with me about his feelings and fears, and we were able to uncover the secret of the mysterious Sith Lord just in time, and destroy him. [Anakin, in the background, spinning with his arms in the air] …and now Anakin sort of can’t stop sharing his feelings. [awkward smile] Mace: [being interviewed] We really dodged a blaster bolt there. If the Chancellor had been able to turn Anakin to the Dark Side, and dismantle the Republic? Chaos. [shakes head] We owe Skywalker an enormous debt of gratitude. [sighs] So we’re…just going to have to deal with…this.  Padme: [forcing a smile] Oh it’s been wonderful, being able to be more open about Anakin with everyone. And Ani, he’s…he’s just so…showy! The other day he sent a string quartet to my office. [obvious stifling mild irritation] While I was on a very important holo-call.  Anakin: [approaching Mace] Good morning, Master Windu. [placing his hands on his shoulders] I just wanted you to know that you are wise, and powerful, and I admire you immensely. [embraces him]  Mace: [grimacing] Skywalker, I’m very proud of you, but if you hug me again today, I am going to have to kill you.  Anakin: [smiling serenely] Of course. May the Force be with you. [sticks a daisy behind Mace’s ear] [scoops Yoda up off the floor and carries him off on his back]  Shaak Ti: [to the camera] Skywalker is…well he’s very…kind. He painted this for me. [holds up an amazing oil painting of Shaak Ti fighting battle droids] This is the 15th one of these he’s made for me. It’s…a lot. We’re all extremely happy for him, and grateful of course. But we’re glad we can still foist him off on Master Kenobi a lot of the time.  Obi-Wan: [to the camera] Yes, Anakin is truly full of light and happiness now that there is balance in the Force. And he wants to tell us all about it. All the time. And after the war ended, he and I, you know, we finally sat down and had a very open discussion about our relationship. Then we didn’t leave our quarters for about three and a half weeks. [clears his throat]  Anakin: [sitting next to him, petting his hair] You are a luminous presence in the Force, you’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen, and every time I look at your face I feel like I might die.  Obi-Wan: [still looking at the camera, quietly] …thank you, Anakin.   Ahsoka: [to the camera] Well, once things got back to normal on Coruscant I stopped by the Temple to see how everyone was doing. You know, I may not be a Jedi anymore but obviously I still care about them. I asked if there was anything I could do. [flatly] They made it very clear they’d appreciate some help with Master Skywalker.  Anakin: [charging at her and lifting her into the air] Snips! [sets her down] You are bold, and brave, and I’m so proud of you that I can’t…I can’t… Ahsoka: OK, that’s not – Anakin: [bawling] I just love you all so much. I feel like my soul is going explode.  Ahsoka: [hugging him and patting his back] OK…you’re…it’s OK. [looks at the camera helplessly] 

Obi Wan has no fucking chill

The Master Plan

[the entire cast standing around in the ruins of Death Star II, aghast] Kylo: [whispers] …what the fuck. Lando: Seriously?! This guy? Again? Anakin’s Force Ghost: [furious] This makes no sense! I killed you! Me! The Chosen One! Just like the stupid prophecy said I would! Luke’s Force Ghost: Yeah, and I saw it happen with my own two eyes! And then the Death Star was destroyed! How could you possibly have – Sidious: [bored, examining his nails] Hmm? Survived? [chuckles] Well you see, you fools, I knew all of this was going to happen. It was all part of the plan. [yawns] Quite underwhelming, I’m afraid. I was hoping for a bit more of a challenge. Leia: What?! Sidious: [sighing] Oh very well: yes, it all goes back to when my Master and I used midi-chlorians to create life. [to Anakin] That’d be you, son. Then, of course, I figured we’d better see to it that he spent his first several years with his mother on Tatooine, forming an attachment and also developing many feelings about slavery, both of which I could use to manipulate him later. Anakin: What. [Two Hours Pass] Sidious: …do you have any idea how expensive it is to pay for a custom-built clone army AND cover the cost of the upkeep on a massive droid army at the same time, and keep tabs on where all the money is going? And also how annoying it is to have to manage all that while having to continually meet with Anakin, and be forced to listen to him blather on about Senator Amidala or General Kenobi for hours at a time, nodding and pretending I gave a bantha’s hide about his feelings!? Force, there were a couple of rough years in there, but I persevered because I knew – I knew – I was nearly one-fifteenth of the way through my plan… [Another three hours. Most of the cast is sitting down on the floor now, and a couple people have nodded off.] Sidious: …I knew that I couldn’t trust Vader any further than I could throw him – or perhaps, any further than he could throw me – so I ensured that, upon being thrown into the abyss, I would be able to keep myself from dying. [smirks] Yes, that’s right, Anakin, I did always know how to do it, I just wasn’t going to tell you… [Two more hours] Sidious: …Captain Solo would of course marry General Organa, and their birth control would fail at a precise, critical point in history, due to defective pharmaceuticals I had queued up to be released to market years before… [Two hours later] Sidious: …directed Supreme Leader Snoke to begin following the young Ben Solo on Twitter, knowing that he would be entirely impressed with Snoke’s – my – takes on democracy… [Three more hours later] Sidious: …thus leaving the New Republic in shambles. Then, of course, it would be only a matter of time before Luke would somewhat overcome his depression with the help of Master Yoda’s ghost, and die projecting himself across the galaxy in an attempt to stop Kylo and the First Order. [smirks] And then, and only then, would the time be right for my full return to the galactic stage. [cackles, shoots Force lightning into the air] Yoda: [scrubs his face with his hands] Rey: I…but how… Sidious: …did I know I could pull it off? My dear girl, it was all too easy. This galaxy is remarkably predictable. And not especially bright. And very easily confused. Especially the uh, male Skywalker contingent. [looks over at them pointedly] Luke: [building a daisy chain] Hmm? Anakin: [whispering, to Kylo] He’s talking about you. Obi-Wan: [facepalms]