On Another Note, Do You Think It Would Be Possible For Jem To Perform A Marriage Ceremony For Thomastair

Let's talk about The Mummy (1999)

Someone was talking at me yesterday about this movie and I was getting riled so I decided to go full rant. Specifically in regards to the feminist podcast that slammed it.

I don't even remember which podcast it was, but I am still rankled and baffled that any "feminism in movies" podcast could jump to anything but "this movie is phenomenal."

First of all, even just discussing the overall quality: sure, it might not have been groundbreaking with its cgi or plot twists. But back in the 90s, that wasn't the standard of measure like it is now (and even now is a shitty standard that needs to die). This movie was light and funny and yet hit all the right beats to maintain the dire stakes needed to make it a compelling action flick.

Its characters are fully realized and entirely distinct from each other. Even those treated with a broader brush, such as the Americans, were charismatic enough that we were fully invested in their fate. The entire cast of characters were real people with real impact and real agency.

The script is quotable and fucking hilarious. There are gems from literally every single character. Rick and Evie have actual chemistry, aided by Rachel Weisz's natural magnetism and Brendan Frasier's career-long knack for acting utterly charmed with his female costars.

Actually, let's talk about Rick O'Connell for a second. This is peak 90s Brendan Frasier. He is absolutely GORGEOUS, suave, and cool, rugged and handsome. He is the epitome of the 1920s adventure hero. Dear god I want to kiss those casting directors. But for all his general peak masculinity? He's feminist as fuck. He is equally dumbstruck by Evie as she is by him, and it's wholly evident that it's more than a "oh no she's hot" thing.

How do we know?

He steals her some tools to dig with. This gift demonstrates that he a) has identified her passion for archaeology, b) has recognized her proficiency in the field, despite it not being explicitly stated on screen, and c) sees a chance to restore her full and active participation in the discovery of Hamunaptra.

There is never a moment where Rick assumes to be the leader of the expedition. He is the weapons expert, the muscle--and he knows it. Better than that, he's totally okay with it. He follows Evie's lead in all things.

Another favorite moment of mine is when they're facing off with the American team on Day 1, and Evie realizes there's a chamber underneath Anubis they could use to excavate the statue. She puts her hand on Rick's arm, looks him in the eye, and says very deliberately "there are other places to dig." And he yields, instantly.

By comparison, see the way the Americans treat their workers and guide.

Does he groan about his work being made exponentially harder as a result? Nope. And that's a recurring theme in his behavior the entire goddamn movie. The only time he is in charge is when a situation is in his wheelhouse-- namely, combat and rescue. And it deserves mentioning that the majority of the time that he's in charge, Evie is not present.

Meanwhile, Evie-- her adventurer's spirit chafing in an academia that dismisses her for her gender-- is an absolute marvel. She is visually coded as being very feminine (she's in dresses and long hair most of the film), but that fact in no way detracts from her competence and agency.

She is consistently protrayed as a fully capable expert in egyptology and there is never a single moment where she waffles on what to do. Even when she's the damsel in distress, she actively makes the choice to be so because she weighs the potential outcomes and decides doing so provides their best chance of success.

Evie is never the passive victim. She is constantly brash, constantly scheming, and saves the lives of her would-be rescuers mid-abduction. And when her brother (who is the failure of the family, against type) needs help with translation, she correctly translates for him while being throttled by a mummified priestess.

When I first saw this film, I was too young to realize how novel it was. Back then, all I knew was that it was just a good time. But now as an adult-- an adult acutely aware of the treatment female characters have gotten in the twenty years since-- I marvel at the respect with which the writers and directors treated Evie.

I marvel at how tender Rick was allowed to be, despite his rugged adventurer archetype.

The Mummy (1999) is peak storytelling. It doesn't try to outsmart the audience, but rather lays out a consistent, coherent narrative that gives the characters and viewers room to breathe. It invests the audience enough to care whether the characters succeed in their goals.

The Mummy (1999) does it right. It's the reason that any talk of the Tom Cruise version gets an immediate eyeroll from me, because whatever modern grimdark grit they shove into a story about a mummy cannot compare to the reliable and timeless entertainment of the 1999 adaptation.

All modern media should aspire to be the kind of film that The Mummy (1999) is.

I love how Thomas is an unreliable narrator in the sense that he never notices how other people react to his appearance because he is so self-conscious and has a rather low self-esteem regarding his physical appearance.

It takes Alastair to tell us that, apparently, people are ogling Tom because he looks so good.

On the other hand, we never actually see people reacting that way in any of the other character's POVs, and that can mean 2 things:

A) The others don't pay that much attention to Thomas because he is just kind-hearted Tom to them

B) Alastair in a way overinterprets other people's looks because to him, Thomas is so beautiful, how could other people not see it, how could they not want him?

Addition: In ChoG, Cordelia actually describes Tom as handsome, but not beautiful as James or Matthew (several times). Clearly, the Carstairs siblings have different tastes.

Know what I want from Chain of Thorns?

After they’ve gotten Lucie back, her working on The Beautiful Cordelia some more and deciding to write in a love interest for Thomas since we already know she writes her friends in a lot and thinks everything needs x1000 romance

Give me Lucie asking him about girls they know and what he thinks of them and don’t you think she has the nicest hair and don’t you think she’s funny trying to fish for who she should use for inspiration and try to figure out what kind of characteristics Thomas likes in a girl

Give me Thomas answering those questions at first while he’s kind of confused but doesn’t yet realize what’s happening and then when she gets to about question three being like Lucie what are you doing and her explaining to him how Lord Thomas needs a love interest and she needs inspiration to help write a perfect girl for him and how it’s hard because he’s never really seemed all that interested in any girls in particular

Give me Thomas hesitating and considering what to do and lowkey thinking that it’s stupid to tell Lucie about his sexuality just to have an imaginary boyfriend instead of an imaginary girlfriend in her made up story but also not wanting to lie and make up a girl type or tell her the truth about his type and have her interpret it as that’s what he likes in girls and make some girl version of Alastair that’s all wrong and not wanting Lucie to start pointing out real girls to him that she thinks he would like

And part of him really does want his character to have a guy as a love interest if he has to have a love interest at all and he does want to tell Lucie even though it makes him nervous (but he already knows she has no problem with Anna and Matthew’s sexualities and writing them into the stories so that helps a bit)

Give me Thomas telling her that that’s because he hasn’t been interested in any girls and Lucie being like oh okay well then do you like boys? What kinds of boys do you like? Oh, maybe Lord Thomas will meet a prince! and Thomas being relieved that she’s acting the same as she was before she knew but also still overwhelmed and embarrassed by the volume of enthusiastic questions about his type and whether he would find this kind of character or that kind of character more interesting romantically

Also give me Lucie asking if he wants the Lord Thomas stories being private stories just for them with him just having a very mysterious love interest no one knows anything about in the main story she shares with everyone else and letting him decide if and when he’s fine with her sharing the stories that focus on his love interest while still including him in the stories and still giving him his own (somewhat) more accurate love interest

If a scene feels flat and you can't figure it out, ask yourself:

• What can MC smell? Is there an ocean breeze, sweat, a cinnamon roll fresh out the oven?

• What can MC hear, besides the dialogue? Is a bird singing, river flowing, a car speeding, clock ticking?

• Can they taste something, even if they're not eating? Previously drunk alcohol or juice, aftertaste of a cigarette, smog, too instense perfume?

• Can they feel something on their skin? Rough clothes or delicate material, blowing wind, an allergy or a rash, grass that theyre laying on?

• What does the character see, besides other characters? Is the room dark or is sunlight coming in nicely? Are the colours vibrant or dull? Are there any plants?

• What's the weather? Is it snowing and the cold is making goosebumps appear on their arms? Is it hot and sweaty and clothes are clinging to their body?

• HOW DOES IT MAKE THEM FEEL? To any of the above.

Do they like the smell of cinnamon rolls or are they weirdos (I'm a weirdo, I don't fit in).

Does the clock ticking calm them down or annoy them?

Do they enjoy the aftertaste of a cig and like how dirty it makes them feel?

Are they sensitive to touch and how their clothing feels on their skin or are they indifferent?

Would they enjoy the scenery more if it was more sunny out, because they're afraid of the darkness?

Do they like it snowy or are they always cold and hate winter?

Come on, give them persoanlity, likes and dislikes, don't be scared to make them people and not only likeable characters.

The owner of this blog has too many feelings for fictional characters.

what's so great about the mummy 1999?

are you ready for this? 

it is the most wonderfully made, historically inaccurate, giddily fun, perfectly paced, goofy horror movie romance novel bullshit bonanza that has ever blessed the silver screen.

i mean it is just so beautifully full of every genre without being overwhelming.we’ve got: comedy, action, suspense, horror, romance, adventure, ancient aesthetics, and it’s a period piece. all perfectly balanced and blended into one movie.

and the characters are so LIT

we got our main babe, evelyn “motherfucking” carnahan, a super-klutz librarian, total history nerd, and certified badass/damsel in distress. she raises the dead on accident, because she cannot resist books, and has the guts to put that motherfucker back where he came from and literally saves the world.evie’s greatest hits: 

“what is a place like me, doing in a girl like this?!”

*after totally destroying the library* “i’ve just made a bit of a mess in the library.”

“no harm ever came from reading a book.”

evelyn: *upon opening the tomb* “i’ve dreamt about this since i was a little girl.”rick: “you dream about dead guys?”

“oops.”

then we’ve got rick “brendan fraser” o’connell, your not-so-typical battle hardened gun slinger with a heart of gold. he seems filthy, rude, and a complete scoundrel at first, but then he turns into a literal puppy, with massive heart eyes, that worships the ground evie walks on.rick’s greatest hits:

*screams at mummy*

*screams at sand*

*screams at things that are illogical to scream at*

*screams*

next is our Comedic Relief Character™, jonathan carnahan, who also rises above his trope. he’s there for the laugh sure, but is never useless. he actively helps to move the plot along and isn’t just there. he also is the farthest thing from brainless and annoying.jonathan’s greatest hits:

evelyn: “have you no respect for the dead?”jonathan: “of course i do, but sometimes i’d rather like to join them.” same.

oh and that time he was like “IMHOTEP” and saved his own ass like that was so smooth, y’all know what i’m talking about right??

then there is ardeth BAE. he is the audience rolling his eyes because *sighs* white people. he’s tired of these motherfucking mummies in this motherfucking desert. literally prettier than everyone.(he has a much bigger role in the mummy returns, but is still so fab here)

and of course THE MUMMY. imhotep. actual emo. literally carved some poetry into the back of his sarcophagus when he was buried alive with flesh eating bugs, because he is that Extra™. just wants to bring his girlfriend back to life so he can make out with her without it being treason. 

and all the side characters are also gr8.

now i wanna take a moment to talk about the romance. because it is so BEAUTIFUL. like usually in action movies it’s macho man undermines girl and they bone. not here. no time for that shit. 

rick and evie have such a great relationship based on mutual respect and affection. they both cater to each other’s strengths and cover each other’s weaknesses. they are the literally definition of: “those two. in a fight, they’re lethal. around each other, they melt”

what else, i could literally talk about this movie all day.

the special effects have held up pretty well.the music score is GORGEOUS.the costumes are amazing.the makeup, especially for anck su namun, OH WOW.the george of the jungle era brendan fraser sign me the fuck up.rachel weisz.

so many good things.

it’s just great.

#i secretly rate every action movie from 0 to the mummy

it’s a beautiful mess of a movie that can be enjoyed by people of all ages and transcends time and posterity as the alpha mummy movie, and to those who disagree i beseech you: