And There Is One Blazing Moment In Which You Finally Understand That There Was No Dragon. That There

You need to see the place you helped build.

HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN celebrates the 20th anniversary of Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith

Star Wars Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999)

STAR WARS: THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK (1980) dir. Irvin Kershner 

Andor Who Else Knows? | 2.11

Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith (2005) | dir. George Lucas

Some other willing dupe cozened by his useful—if elderly—apprentice, Darth Tyranus. The one keeping a seat warm for Anakin, who was ripening so nicely. Really coming along.

So, let's talk about Emperor Palpatine's last week leading up to the conclusion of Episode IV. Just for a moment, let's consider the position this horrible old space warlock was in, shall we?

Military Intelligence Director Orson Krennic colludes with ISB to commit ethnic cleansing on Ghorman. In typical Krennic fashion, this plan goes neither as smoothly nor as quickly as it was pitched to you as being.

Grand Imperial Admiral Thrawn disappears. Your single best military commander just disappears. Reports indicate space whales are involved??? What???

In response to Krennic/Partagaz's actions on Ghorman, Mon Mothma declares open rebellion on the Senare floor. Her speech is broadcast across the entire galaxy due to what is the first in an absolutely CASCADING series of failures by the ISB. Mothma successfully evades arrest, and escapes Coruscant to Force only knows where.

Darth Vader has taken this increasingly dire moment in Imperial politics to apparently take some sort of Sith PTO at his personal residence on Mustafar. Just about as far out of reach as he can possibly for anyone.

There is a catastrophic data security breach at ISB. It turns out an overly ambitious field agent has been invited to several Signal groupchats about the Death Star that she wasn't supposed to be in, and her collecting of all this vital data in one place has led to a Rebel mole piecing together that you're building the Genocider 5000 instead of a super cool renewable energy program.

Said Rebel infiltrator is then immediately killed by his contact, Luthen Rael, formerly known as Axis. Luthen spreads word of the Death Star to his allies, and then kills himself when confronted by ISB. Maybe your two most important links for piecing together the Rebel Alliance have been lost.

The Rebellion begins spreading propaganda publicly. Their manifesto is playing on just about every available radio frequency.

The ISB collapses. Supervisor Partagaz takes his own life. Colonel Yularen is left with an agency staffed by effectively no one. Your entire intelligence gathering apparatus that was working just fine last week now functionally no longer exists.

NOTE: the following events occur within the span of only 48 hours.

Due to the leak at ISB, the Rebels have discovered the existence of the Death Star, and in very short order manage to steal its schematics. Your special projects divisions on both Eadu and Scarif are destroyed. Director Orson Krennic is KIA.

Darth Vader is recalled from vacation early, and boy is he being awfully himself about it.

You disolve the Imperial Senate. Much as you had anticipated, this is making a lot of people very angry and is being regarded as a bad move.

Darth Vader has lost the Death Star plans. Nobody knows where they are now.

Grand Moff Tarkin blows up the planet Aldaran, a not insiginificant player in the Galactic economy.

Obi Wan Kenobi infiltrates the Death Star, and then quite literally vanishes. Vader is not taking this development well.

LESS THAN 24 HOURS AFTER BECOMING FULLY OPERATIONAL, THE DEATH STAR IS DESTROYED. Grand Moff Tarkin is KIA. Admiral Motti is KIA. General Tagge is KIA. General Bast is KIA. General Molock is KIA. General Romodi is KIA. Colonel Yularin is KIA. Darth Vader is MIA. Millions of soldiers and skilled military professionals are killed. Quanities of money so vast they cannot be comprehended by the mortal mind have gone up in a flash of smoke and light.

The culprit of this unfathomable trespass is soon revealed to be a 19 year-old boy. His name is Luke Skywalker. You now have not one but two of these freaks of nature to contend with. And you don't know where either of them are at the moment.

What the Hell is an Alluminum Falcon?

Honestly, I kinda feel bad for the guy. Just a little bit. If I were his age (ancient) and his condition (rotting from the inside out, filled with cosmic evil) I might just have had a stroke and died. It is amazing he made it all the way to be thrown down that reactor shaft in Return of The Jedi.

Princess Leia

Art by Franco Bevilacqua