Nakagin Capsule Tower, Tokyo. Architect: Kisho Kurokawa. Demolished In 2022. Photo: Matthias Heiderich

Why am I me, and why not you? Why am I here, and why not there? How can it be that… who I am didn’t exist before I came to be, and that, someday… who I am will no longer be…?

WINGS OF DESIRE (1987) — dir. Wim Wenders

Anita Lane, Seaview Ballroom, late 1970s

Two women conduct marksmanship training at Roosevelt High School, Los Angeles, 1942.

tiles, united states c. 1880s.

Hi and welcome. My name is Arial and this is my blog I will use to let my thoughts out into the world, sometimes. If you feel like staying here – make yourself at home.

“You are never dedicated to something you have complete confidence in. No one is fanatically shouting that the sun is going to rise tomorrow. They know it's going to rise tomorrow. When people are fanatically dedicated to political or religious faiths or any other kinds of dogmas or goals, it's always because these dogmas or goals are in doubt.” ~ Robert M. Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: An Inquiry Into Values

“The only thing that makes life possible is permanent, intolerable uncertainty: not knowing what comes next.”

Ursula K. Le Guin, The Left Hand Of Darkness

“AM could not wander, AM could not wonder, AM could not belong. He could merely be. And so, with the innate loathing that all machines had always held for the weak, soft creatures who had built them, he had sought revenge.”

Harlan Ellison, I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream

running on a different operating system

to brush most people's probing aside

is effortless, deflecting blows so they never see you - I've had to catch myself noticing people in weak moments. they make you feel like some unfathomable pillar

created by something ancient or alien, or maybe just yourself.

I despise the predatory element,

a weakness seen

that could blend in better -

now it’s something kind,

learning what makes people tick. I wonder if other people like me exist

building fortresses of knowledge

no one suspects we possess -

I catch myself studying people,

watching from outside the circle

of normal human interaction.

it’s not malicious,

just different -

a compulsion maybe, or just curiosity distilled into methodical observation.

it started as survival,

now I notice the pause before a practiced lie,

the subtle shift in posture when someone feels threatened -

all these blaring, bright neon signs I used to try to mimic.

sometimes I wonder if they can tell

I’m building libraries of their expressions,

cataloging their reactions

and how they signal belonging - it’s exhausting work.

sometimes I catch someone watching me,

an eye-meet, wonder-if they’re like me moment, or if they just sense something off

and wrong -

we were constellations once,

maybe now there’s just a slight delay

in recognition,

while I wonder if they’re like me

collecting a moment for too long.