Dictionary

Olivia Laing, The Lonely City

GROWING PAINS

david wojnarowicz / alexander harding / su xinyu / @pearpoem / lorde / open house (1998) / billy collins / mitski / as i was moving ahead occasionally i saw brief glimpses of beauty (2000) / alain de bottom / hollis brown thornton / kalyn roseanne

An important text from my friend, about feeling like you're pretending with your identity. I feel like I can't add too much more, because her words are enough.

In queer theory, the term queer is used to describe ruptures in commonly held assumptions about sexuality, gender, etc.

The sheer existence of asexuality shatters one of the oldest held beliefs about humanity which is that sexual attraction is a necessary and inevitable force that drives all people

Ace ppl turn this on its head. Our presence challenges the core of what it means to relate to others, to be happy, to find fulfillment —

To be human.

We are, if we choose to claim it, queer.

it is tiring, being endless political just as someone existing. my teacher asks me if i’m writing more of that “feminist poetry.” a lot of it is just talking about me, being a woman, being afraid in the city. i write about walking a line, about how i am expected to choose between home and work, how each comes with a slew of its own insults; how it feels when i am wearing shorts and there are too many men outside. these are just facts of my life. someone in the comments says, “where are woman even coming up with these crazy generalizations in their feminism?”

i hold hands with the prettiest girl i’ve ever seen and someone sighs when they see me. “do they have to make everything gay?” she asks her friend, loudly, “like, do you have to force those views in my face all the time?” i can’t stop blushing. my girlfriend holds my fingers tighter, tighter, tighter, until my knuckles are white, and i let her. somehow, this is us, protesting.

my father’s cuban blood stains my skin, i think. when i am honored with a position in the dean’s private council, a boy sneers, “you only got in because you’re hispanic.” did i? i spend the rest of our meetings wondering if i was selected for my stellar academic record, for the multiple recommendations, for the clubs i lead - or if i was just a move the dean made, to make use of me. when we all take a picture, the dean brings me in the front. in the first three we take, i am not smiling.

it is odd. “i exist.” i say, “i deserve to exist.”

“oh my god,” he groans, “we get it, you’re a feminist.”

Sarah Kay, No Matter the Wreckage; “Postcards”

Chelsea Hodon, The End of Longing // MARINA, Teen Idle // Mitski, Townie

the way ivan aivazovsky looks at the sea…i think…i think that’s what love looks like.

What are some tricks for getting executive dysfunction to bugger off long enough to do the thing?

     Here are some ideas I’ve either found work for me or I’ve been told work for other people. Hopefully you’ll find some of them effective or, if not, maybe they’ll inspire you to come up with some brand new strategies of your own.

Declare your intent aloud. Announce to yourself (and other people, if they’re around) that you’re going to do the thing you need to do. Eg: “I will clean the sink.” “I am going to have a shower.”

Talk yourself through the task. Narrating the steps of my current task as I do them helps me to concentrate and follow through. Eg: “I am gathering the empty cups from the table and putting them in the sink.” Sometimes I can then even start narrating things I am not doing and I’ll automatically follow through because it’s become a habit in the moment. If a task involves reading, try reading it aloud.

Steal the energy from elsewhere. Engage with something that makes you feel good first, then ride that high to do the thing that doesn’t. If the task involves doing something physical, put on some energetic music that makes you want to dance and then channel that dance energy into task energy.

Hype yourself up. Channel your inner feel-good sports movie coach and start telling yourself how awesome you are, how you’re gonna kick this task’s butt and this task doesn’t stand a chance. Repeat random over-the-top motivational phrases until the motivation has no choice but to appear, like summoning an eldritch being by annoying them until they acknowledge you.

Break the task into steps. Very often I’ll have trouble tackling tasks, even simple ones, just because I don’t know where to start and the whole thing feels bigger than it is. In this case I find it helps to determine the steps that a task involves and do them one at a time, treating each one as its own job. Eg: Instead of “I will write an essay” try “I will write an introductory paragraph” or even just “I will write an introductory sentence”.

Write the steps down. Goodness knows I can’t follow verbal instructions for the life of me unless they’re given one step at a time. Rather than trying to keep the steps straight in your head, write them down and keep referring back to that list when you get sidetracked, lost, or stuck.

Do the task out of order. If the task allows it, try doing whatever part is most appealing first to ease yourself into the workflow.

Make the workload smaller. If jobs like doing dishes or laundry seem like too much work, consider if you can get rid of some of the clothes or dishes to cut down on how much work there is in the first place. If you’ve committed to too large a project, see if you can simplify it or distribute the work involved among a group.

Narrow your focus. Rather than tackling an entire task at once, try breaking it into easier-to-manage chunks. If you need to do laundry or dishes, specify that you’re only going to wash shirts or plates. If reading an entire book is intimidating, assign yourself a certain number of pages at a time. If reading an entire page of text is intimidating, try covering the page with a loose piece of paper and slowly revealing lines as you read.

Do it in five minute increments. Set a timer for five minutes and do the task for the duration. If you feel like you could do a little more, keep at it. If you’re still struggling, give yourself a break (you can also time your break if you find that helps) and try again later.

Use a buddy. See if there’s someone who’s willing to have a call going or who will come sit by you or even just check in every once in a while to keep you accountable. ADHDers are notorious for lacking internal motivation, so employing someone else to externalize it can make a big difference.

Be kind to yourself. Sometimes, no matter what you do, your brain just doesn’t want to cooperate. If you feel yourself getting frustrated, remember that it’s not your fault. Take a step back, have a snack or drink of water, give yourself some time to decompress, and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Taking care of yourself will help you to actually be in good enough condition to do the job.

     I’ve also talked more in-depth about how I personally tackle doing tasks despite executive dysfunction here, and I have an ADHD Writing Advice post here that has some tips that may be applicable to tasks other than writing.

     To others who struggle with executive dysfunction, what are some strategies you’ve discovered work for you?

C.P. Cavafy, from The City (tr. by Edmund Keeley & Philip Sherrard)