YES, PERFECTION!

Hey does anyone have a link to that cute little comic someone drew based on a song about the batfam to the tune of the gummy bear's theme?

I'm incoherent with flu and this is suddenly all I can think about. It's the cutest fucking song I want it to replace that stupid owl one. I want to know what kinda skip-rope songs Gotham has for the Bats. Or like, did 3 Doors Down still write "Kryptonite" in DC world? Idk. Flu sucks. Brain is soup. Here's the earworm rhyme in my head.

ABCDEFG Batman's kids are chasing me

Two are Red, one is Blue,

Now they're out in daylight, too!

Now I'm running for my life;

The newest Robin has a knife!

Wanted to write out something not-so-heavy, so I'm gonna borrow @arandomao3user's freaky Tim and Bernard pair.

Kink and Bondage go hand-in-hand, but there's a constant problem in the TimBern household. And it's all Tim's fault. He's a fucking escape artist. He keeps getting out of the ropes, the cuffs, the zip ties, the soft restraints, the chains, the really fancy bondage knots that took forever to actually get him into, the specialty restraints, the straitjacket from that one undercover op that went really weird...

It was cute at first when he could play-tackle Tim back to the bed (or floor or table or counter or chair or deck) for a different sort of game, but at this point it's become a problem for the both of them.

Because Tim genuinely can't stop escaping, even when he's into being tied up. Bernard, with equal amounts of frustration and affection, calls it Tim's Robin Reflex. He does it by habit, by accident, and while asleep, on one memorable occasion. Tim's always very sorry, of course, and he is trying so hard to be good for Bernard. It's just that they haven't found that sweet spot yet, that mystery thing that can keep Tim relatively helpless and at Bernard's mercy, but won't trigger the not-fun sort of sense memories that come with years of vigilante work.

So, at a loss and desperate for ideas, Bernard calls his bff.

Jason, actively falling asleep after patrol: "You want advice... On tying up Timmers? Like, shibari 'n whatever? Fucking. Didn't need this in my life, Burn Notice."

Bernard, entirely too awake: "C'mon, Jason; you're one of the most creative people I know and I'm out of ideas. You used to fight all the time! And you have major connections, my man, my buddy, my bestie. Don't you have any alien tech or magical stuff that might work?"

Jason, so tired: "I can ask around later, you freaky...I don't know. I never tied Tim up when we were fighting; I shot him in the thigh once and that slowed him down."

Hearing nothing but dial-tone, Jason sets his phone aside and promptly falls asleep

Three minutes later, Jason sits up in a cold sweat and scrambles for his phone to text Bernard.

J: DO NOT SHOOT TIM

J: BERN. FUCKING ANSWER ME.

J: ISTG IF ONE OF YOU FUCKERS IS SHOT WHEN I GET OVER THERE I WILL GET YOUR HORNY ASSES NEUTERED

If my isekai self-insert can't be Dick Grayson's twink older brother, Mitchell Grayson, because he's "a Gary Stu" and would become "overpowered", then I want my second choice to be an inky blob of Eldritch knowledge that manifests in Fawcette City once a week to be a guest on WhizKid's Radio/Podcast.

My segment is gossiping about the secrets of heroes and villains, but vaguely or only about really useless information. Or occasionally incredibly specific instructions. Sometimes Billy and I answer questions from Chirper or Readdit.

"Who is the Red Hood?"

"The grandson of Batman's most beloved teacher. It's causing some issues."

"What is Superman's biggest secret?"

"Superman spot-checks the lead levels of infant formula whenever he's near a grocery store."

"Is there anything I need to know right now?"

"There's an unattended lit candle in the dorm room across the hall from yours - the door with the three pink post-it notes and the whiteboard with the purple butterfly sticker. You should call the RA before a badly hung scarf catches aflame in two minutes."

"What is the meaning of life?"

"Why do you want meaning? Isn't being alive enough?"

"Do you have a favorite human?"

"Yes."

"Is it me?"

"Perhaps."

(Art is by the amazing @dahtwitchi. This is a freeform collab with no real goal)

The Tobirama covered in seals isn't the only one to react to that voice. The youngest goes still and stares at gvMadara, eyes wide and unaccustomed to his body reacting to...it's just a voice. He's only talking, but for some reason, Tobirama wants to listen.

SugarTobi shivers and presses closer to the eldest, the hand around his waist moving into a lazy groping as he nuzzles the man's neck. He keeps his voice low, and his lips hidden as he murmurs, "Shit, yours does that too, huh? If you want to put on a show for them...I can do that, but you need to tell me now..." He glances up and is riveted at the sight of the elder SugarMadara slowly peeling his gloves off. He swallows thickly, eyes following the movements as best they can, "Because otherwise I'm going to take mine out of sight for a few hours..."

The youngest Madara might be looking from the responding Tobis to his oldest self and back with something like respect, "Ah...I see..."

SugarMadara smirks at the both of them and finishes casually pulling his leather gloves off.

"They all do respond so well to instruction, don't they? I have found that mine tends to enjoy a more hands-on approach to lessons..." His eyes catch his lover's gaze and holds it as he brings his naked hand teasingly to his mouth. SugarTobi might whimper into his alternate's shoulder.

"Bastard, he knows I like to suck on his fingers."

POKEMON VIETNAMESE CRYSTAL

Don’t mind me, just sharing a thing of glory.

Red Hood has 100% heard Tim and Bernard being freaky and broken into their place thinking that an assault was in progress.

Shots were definitely fired.

YES! But then also, we can make it angsty. Tim going into sub drop because everything was very very good and now suddenly; Jason's here and furiously making horrific accusations? And Bernard's bleeding-hurt-helphim-savehim-! And Tim is having to pull himself together and possibly convince Jason to untie him and not kill Bernard and have to explain that they were doing a scene and the humiliation of it is not the good kind?!

Send that boy into a spiral, we all know he's gonna internally monologue at the drop of a hat.

Red Hood has 100% heard Tim and Bernard being freaky and broken into their place thinking that an assault was in progress.

Shots were definitely fired.

There are lots of fics about Batman being a bat shifter or being magically turned into a bat. I think there should be more of them. And that they should feature more confused bats swimming in the wet air.

Me - if I don't take these daily medicines I'm going to have side effects that include extreme nausea and vomiting

The Flu - you've already got that

Me - but I'd like it to not be worse please

The only acceptable reason for this is if this character is actually a demon who seduces men and then eats them. [source]