MC, Pausing In Front Of A Portrait In The Demon Lord’s Castle: Hey, Diavolo? Who’s This? He's Kinda

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Humans Are Crazy

Aliens have such different gender and biology from humans that none of them menstruate. So imagine this.

Alien: Human Steve, why did I find blood on the lavatory floor?

Steve: Oh, that's just Karen.

Alien: What??

Steve: Human females bleed from their reproductive organs once every month for five to seven days.

Alien: wHAT?!

Steve, calmly: Yeah, they can lose enough blood in a lifetime to kill ten grown men.

Alien: WHaT ?!?!

Karen, walking in: Steve, I need A FUCKING break. And chocolate. And a heating pad. I'll be in my sleeping quarters. Also, I threw up.

Steve: Okay, take the day off, I'll bring you your stuff in a bit.

Alien: *jots down in notebook* Human females are indestructible and fearsome. Regard them with respect.

EDIT: I swear, if this is the thing that makes me Tumblr famous, I’m gonna blow a braincell. And I don’t have many of those left, so…

Edit 2: Guys. Guys. What?! My grumpy menstrual rant is in no way worthy of being tumblr famous. *is mildly to severely confused/thankful/bumfuddled*

Edit 3: Why is this still getting notes wtf

Good Morning RAD!

Diavolo (over the morning announcements): Good morning, everyone! I hope you're all having a pleasant start to the day. Today at lunch, some Devi Scouts will be stopping by to sell cookies, so be sure to be nice to them. Also, we have Satan and Mammon here to apologize for... the incident in the lab yesterday.

Satan (grabbing the mic): Good morning, demons of RAD. I just want to say, I deeply apologize... that you're all a bunch of weaklings! Honestly, what kind of demon can't handle a tiny explosion?

Mammon (yelling from the back): Yeah! It was a science class for crying out loud! Stop being such wimps and grow a pair!

Lucifer (trying to pull Satan away): Satan, that’s enough—

Satan (clutching the table): And to whoever ratted out Beel for eating the teacher’s lunch—Mammon and I are coming for you after school!

Mammon: Yeah, you made my baby brother get punished! We’re not lettin’ that slide!

Satan (as Lucifer drags him away): You can all burn in hell! Oh wait—you’re already there, you pathetic losers!

Diavolo (long pause): Well... that went well.

Lucifer: Diavolo, I think it’s safe to say... no more public apologies.

Diavolo: Agreed. I was so sure they'd behave this time, too. So sure...

Lucifer (sighing): I should’ve known better.

Herb's Properties

Basil:  money, luck, prosperity, happiness

Bay Leaf: energy, cleansing, can be charged with almost any intention

Camomile: Caring, kindness, luck, growth, self-love growth, confidence, avoiding negativity, happiness

Cinnamon: passion, quick success, fire magick

Chia seeds: Growth, health, kindness, Property

Chilli flakes:  Pride, confidence, power, strength, Passion

Cumin: Courage, bravery, protection, loyalty

Dandelion: wishes, charisma, success, good luck

Dill: sexual love, luck, protection

Eucalyptus: cleansing, healing, purifying, relaxing, comfort

Fennel:  hate, anger

Flax seeds: Prosperity, growth, new beginnings

Ginger: fiery passion, success, and personal power

Jasmine: love, dreams, sensuality, luxury and kindness

Lavender: love and attraction, purification, relaxation, restful sleep

Nutmeg: luck, Health, Fidelity, Love, Prosperity, comfort, loyalty

Oregano:  comfort, love, warmth

Paprika:  Pride, confidence, power, strength

Parsley: Cleansing. purification

Peppermint: healing, purification, love and energy, cleansing, prosperity

Poppy seeds: protection, intuition, self-assurance, hexing and cursing

Rose: love, beauty, harmony, romance, attraction

Rosemary: cleansing, purification, wisdom, protection

Sesame seeds: Prosperity, growth, health, nurturing

Spearmint: love, cleansing, renewal, blessing

Sunflower seeds: happiness, growth, joy

Thyme: beauty, strength, courage

Turmeric: confidence, creativity, energy

Vanilla: love and sexuality

tip jar

yall knew it was only a matter of time 🤡💀

When it comes to the pact marks that line your body the brothers can't help but be entranced

If you find yourself relaxing with Asmo, he has a habit of coloring them in with makeup the intricate patterns practically glow with the shimmers in the eyeshadow.

Levi can't help but stare at them at his, he still can't believe that you'd liked him enough to have a permanent reminder on your body. But he can't lie he thinks it's beautiful.

Beel loves all of them his and his brother's, a enchanting reminder that you would stay, that you chose to stay with him. He'll follow you till the ends of the earth, please let that mark remind you that he loves you.

Belphie has trouble looking at his mark. He knows what he did too you how could you want a reminder of it? But when you grabbed his hand and let him trace the pattern, he couldn't help but blush.

Satan at first had a feeling that he wouldn't like the way his mark looked. Boy, was he wrong. The intricate pattern had him entrance and enchanted. Was this really for him? It's gorgeous.

Mammon can't lie he misses when his mark was the only one that Decorated your body. But it doesn't matter his was first! And well if you ask him, his is the most beautiful after all gold always did suit you the best.

A pack mark Lucifer used to scoff at the thought. But then he saw his. The way it wrapped around your form, the slight shimmer in the intricate Linework, it just looked right on you.

TW: Choking, suffocation, hand job, brat tamer reader, teasing

𐚁₊⊹

Jeff is so comfortable with being overbearing all of the time.

It’s just his personality: yelling too loudly, hitting too hard, and especially pushing the boundaries of comfortability with others. Any chance he could get to provoke a fight he was going to take.

He’s a tease, a prick who likes to watch others cringe at the worst insult he can conjure up.

So, when he’s nudging your side and pestering you about how easy you are to make mad, it’s no surprise when you come back swinging.

Now, Jeff is flailing his legs, kicking his heels into the hardwood in an attempt to escape.

You’ve pinned him in a headlock, bicep and forearm locked tightly around his throat and squeezing hard enough to make him cough. His hands are clawing at your skin, a panicky attempt to get you off of him, but the lack of oxygen is proving difficult.

“Uhn- Fuc- Hnng-!”

He can’t even get words out, labored-cutoff breaths getting caught in his throat as you pull him back against your chest and restraining him further.

“Sorry? What was that? Gonna have to speak up, Jeffrey.”

You’re taunting him, sitting back on your knees as you hook your free hand behind his head and push, creating more pressure against his airway.

He lets out a rushed cough, a deep grunt as he’s trying to fight, kicking his legs like a kid.

You’re nearly satisfied, ready to let off and leave him embarrassed, but your eye catches something that makes you hesitate.

Jeff’s face is red, cheeks flushed deeper than you’ve ever really seen. But what really catches your attention is the way his eyes roll back.

His legs are shifting, pushing his back firmly against your chest as his jaw hangs slack. He’s gasping, eyes fluttering and rolling up into his skull with an almost pleasurable edge.

Your suspicion is confirmed with a tempted look towards his crotch, a noticeable bulge pressing firmly against the fabric of his jeans. You falter for a moment, the tense in your arm relaxing as you watch Jeff’s thighs press together.

You’re also surprised at the way the killer is pushing your forearm back against his neck, almost like he’s upset you’ve let go. An embarrassed string of noises floods from his lips when you retighten your arm back, the twinge of excitement in your chest making you brave.

“God, you’re a freak.”

Sliding your hand from the back of his head, you’re reaching to his open mouth, daring to run your fingertips against his lips. Jeff halts for a moment, rough breathing all you can hear before he’s opening his mouth further and taking your fingers inside.

He sucks in the digits, his jaw falling loose when it becomes too much and he’s dizzy for air again. Groans and huffs fill the room as you’re pushing your fingers deeper, sliding the pads of your fingertips against his tongue and reaching for more.

Jeff’s gagging when your knuckles meet his lips, fingers brushing against the tightness of his throat as you watch his eyes strain to shut. Even without being choked, gagging on your fingers is making the killer dizzy, his head nearly spinning before you’re dragging your hand from his lips.

“Hah- Fuck you… Huhn- Buh- Bitch-”

His voice is ragged, snapping his anger between heavy inhales. You don’t listen, readjusting your grip as Jeff’s placing his hands on your thighs, watching carefully as you’re running your spit-soaking fingers towards his jeans.

“Hold on-”

Jeff’s trying to sit up, your arm locking back around his neck and holding him firm into your chest. He’s forced to watch as you single-handedly undo his belt, tugging the zipper down and pushing your hand under the waistline of his boxers.

He’s gasping against your arm, his nails dug into your skin as he watches you push the fabric down, his cock slipping out and bobbing heavily against his abdomen.

You take the length in your saliva-soaked fingers, gripping tightly and smiling when Jeff’s whole body jerks with it.

He’s whining, a labored hiss below you when your forearm hooks tight around his throat and his eyes begin to roll back again.

You jerk your wrist, tugging the length roughly as Jeff’s hips jerk along with it, desperate noises pushing past his lips. His heels dig into the ground, spreading his legs as he becomes lost in the dizziness and adrenaline rush of it all.

You grip onto the head of his cock, running a thumb on the head and gliding against the slit. Jeff grits his teeth at that, a gutteral groan echoing as you smile, whispering against his flushed ear.

“For someone who talks so much shit, you sure do give in real easy. What? Can’t fight back when you’re being handled like a bitch?”

The attempted curse Jeff tries to spit gets cut off when your arm tightens against his neck, his heads reaching back up to grip against your skin as you continue to pump his wilting cock.

So much pre-cum is drooling from the tip, his lightheadedness forcing his body to compute with your every touch.

“Fuu- Hngh-”

He’s drooling now, tears pricking at the corner of his heavy eyes when you teasingly bite against his ear, nibbling against the shell of hot skin. He whines out of shame, squirming against the overwhelming sensations.

Every exasperated noise and jerk of his drowsy body is disheveled. He’s desperate now, chasing every twist of your fist on the head of his cock and every tense of your bicep against his airway.

Humiliation burns his cheeks when you whisper, “So you do get off on this…” He doesn’t know if it’s an insult or a tease, but he can’t help but gush at the feeling.

He can’t stand it any more, the corners of his vision slowly darkening when he feels his abdomen strain and knot, his dark cheeks soaked in tears when he finally cums.

Your hand tightens against the base of his cock, hot stripes of cum shooting onto his stomach and drooling from his tip. Jeff’s head is so light, temples pulsing when you finally release your grasp on him, panicked inhales and gasps following.

The killer leans back against your chest, your hand still firmly gripped onto the base of his cock when he finally recatches his breath.

“You’re so disgusting.”

You’re teasing, releasing your grip on him and reaching to grip his face, hand tightened onto his jaw. You force him to look up at you, heavy eyes and darkly flushed cheeks flushing you with pride.

“Fuck you.”

His voice is hoarse, throat raw and aching as he glares, your answering smile making him falter.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

He nearly moans, that overbearing intensive exterior faltering when he’s forced to stare into your excited eyes.

It seems he’s finally found his match, but Jeff always did like a fight.