I WILL READ THIS WHEN I FINISH TMA

I WILL READ THIS WHEN I FINISH TMA

Do you think there's a specific moment in the show that Jon fell hard for Martin and/or Martin for Jon? Or was it gradual for both?

This has been in my inbox for so long but I’ve been storing energy to answer it ever since, because I have SO MANY FEELINGS about the timeline I have in my head.  

I picture it as gradual for both, with varying levels of awareness of their own feelings, but with a surprising similarity for what stage each one is at along the way.   This is SUPER LONG  (it accidentally turned into a double character study spanning three seasons) and pretty different than popular fanon interpretation so hang onto your hats!!

MARTIN

TMA liveshow - Has a “this guy is kinda hot 👀” moment when he first meets Jon, but it’s very much a “I am acknowledging that this guy is attractive” thing rather than a crush.  This just becomes a point of exasperation as time goes on and Jon is bossy and rude.

TMA 22 - Martin is READY TO FIGHT his rude and skeptical boss after his ordeal with Prentiss, starting off his statement by chucking a bunch of worms on his desk, but then...what?  His boss believes him?  His boss is...suddenly serious and protective?  What is happening.  He was not prepared for this, and is taken off guard.  He’s still frequently frustrated with Jon and his skepticism and prickliness, but is starting to take a second look.

TMA 39 - Martin doesn’t have a crush quite yet at the beginning; when Jon is screaming in pain over worms being cut out of his leg, Martin is over in the corner fussing over a tape recorder and not too bothered by it.  He’s been suppressing frustration with Jon playing the skeptic for ages, and as soon as he has an opening he lays into him with his frustrations.  

AND THEN...

And then!!  

HEART-TO-HEART TIME.  

Suddenly the facade breaks and Jon is telling him he’s scared and vulnerable, admitting to his weaknesses and struggles, confiding in him everything he’s bottled up for months.  Oh no.  And then his severe, academic, professional boss Jon looks up at him with soft, worried eyes and asks if he died here and--OH NO.  Now Jon is attractive AND vulnerable AND ridiculous, and....FUCK.  BAD TIME FOR A CRUSH.  Tim is hammering on the wall to bash it in and Jon is gearing up for some last-second “I’m going to tell you my last words” and Martin is just a crush?  Now?  Really??

TMA 41+ - Martin has been swamped with guilt over abandoning Jon and Tim, and he has this growing crush that obnoxiously won’t go away.  Seeing Jon stubbornly coming into work, covered in bandages and shaking like a leaf, twists something fierce and protective in him.  He acknowledges it but buries it--there are more important things to worry about, like making sure Jon recovers instead of driving himself into the ground, and Jon’s mental health crisis, and the growing conflict in the Archives team.  Jon spends a lot of time with him, but it’s just because Martin makes him, right?  Jon doesn’t feel about him any differently than he does anyone else, right?

TMA 48 - Martin reports Jon’s behavior Tim, and then to Elias.  He refuses to let his crush on Jon prevent him from holding Jon accountable.

TMA 82 - Jon and Sasha are missing, and everything is falling apart, and the fucking police are interrogating him and threatening him, and suddenly-- “Everyone I’ve talked to says you and him were close.”  

Suddenly his current situation falls right out of head and he KNOWS he’s blushing and he hears stammering coming out of his mouth because people think he’s close to Jon?  People think he’s important to Jon?  He’s glad the interview ends shortly after that, so he can lock himself in the bathroom and die of embarrassment.

TMA 92 - JON IS BACK.  He’s full of righteous anger and holy shit that’s even more attractive and--  and Martin was right to have faith in him!  Martin was the only one who insisted Jon wasn’t a murderer, and he was right!  It’s almost enough to distract him from the horror he learns along with it, and certainly not enough to distract him from how lost and wounded Jon looks after his conversation with Elias.  Martin just wants to wrap Jon up and protect him, but once again sets his feelings to the side.  There are more important things.  There are always more important things than his feelings.

TMA 102 - Jon’s been gone for a month, and Martin is drowning in so much guilt he can barely think to face him despite how much he’s missed him.  Surely he’ll be resentful that Martin has been playing interim Archivist while he’s been gone.  Surely he’ll be bitter and angry that no one looked for him as he was kidnapped for a month.  But Jon somehow looks even more nervous to see Martin than he was of Jon, and there’s a stammering gentleness that knocks the wind out of Martin.  Jon isn’t bitter about the statements--he’s worried that Martin has to endure them?  He wants to make sure Martin’s getting help and support?  

He soothes Martin’s guilt over the kidnapping, and wants to know how he is.  His voice is so gentle and soft and Martin can barely recognize it.  Jon’s tripping over his words and awkward silences abound, but there’s a level of care radiating off of Jon that Martin doesn’t know what to do with.  He’s not used to anyone looking at him like that.  He doesn’t sleep at all that night, and he’s pretty sure he can’t call the twisting feeling in his chest a crush anymore.  

...But at the same time, it doesn’t feel hopeless.  “It’s not too late,” he told Jon in a dizzying fit of bravery.  “Unless the world ends.”   Jon only looked stricken at the attempt of a joke, but Martin refused to stifle the painful swell of hope.

TMA 106 - Literally everyone knows that Martin has feelings for Jon.

TMA 112-117 - Martin and Jon prepare for the end of the world together.  Jon is distant and furtive in the Archives, but the look of fear and worry he wears every moment melts away when he sees Martin.  Everyone avoids Jon, so it’s easy to get time alone with him.  The little bubble of hope hasn’t burst and Martin isn’t sure if it’s wishful thinking to say something is hanging between them, but neither dare to say a thing.  He’s in Capital L “love” at this point--what he will later refer to in the Lonely with I really loved you, you know.  

TMA 118 - Martin doesn’t even bother denying his feelings for Jon, and practically dares Elias to try to use them against him.  He isn’t stupid, he was never ignorant about how Jon treated him.  “I am well aware that you’d do just about anything for him,” Elias taunts, and Martin is furious that he’s being reduced to a boy with a mindless crush, but also furious that the statement isn’t wrong.  

---

JON

TMA liveshow - Martin is the first thing to Go Wrong after Jon becomes Head Archivist, throwing off everything he prepared for and literally showing up with a problem Jon doesn’t want to deal with.  He becomes a target for Jon’s stress, and a subconsious “this would go so much more smoothly if Martin hadn’t been forced on me” association.

TMA 1-21 - Building off the bad first impression, Jon is drowning in imposter syndrome.  He’s completely out of his depth, working with a purposefully disorganized system with no guidance and no qualifications and no assistants with qualifications.  Martin’s still faking it ‘till he makes it, but every little mistake results in Jon projecting his frustrations at his own insecurities and shortcomings onto him.  It’s a godawful coping mechanism that he mostly complains about out of earshot; it’s not so much that the team can’t all go out and have fun together (TMA 161), but it’s enough for Sasha to pick up on (162).

TMA 22 - Borrowing from one of the season 4 Q&A’s, Jon got flooded with guilt during this statement for how one of his people was in danger, and even more so in response to how hard he’d been pushing him.  Jon’s priorities change in an instant--he no longer cares about looking like the perfectly professional Head Archivist, and is willing to make a fool of himself to Elias to make sure his people are safe.  Jon doesn’t know how to deal with feelings, so deals with it very clinically--let’s make an itemized list of options for your well-being.  Let’s ensure we have gone to every length possible to ensure you are safe.  Elias seems to think I’m overreacting, but I WILL push him until he caves and installs a CO2 system.  Guilt is smothered in action, and while Martin is slowly realizing there’s more to his cranky boss than he assumed, Jon is repressing, repressing, repressing.

TMA 41 -  Jon has a whole new understanding of Martin.  Competent, brilliant, firm, and a bit bossy in a way that Jon doesn’t dare say no to.  The crush hits when Martin all but carries him out of the workplace when Jon tries to run himself into the ground.  Martin checks on him to make sure he’s eaten, and spends time with him as they get lunch together regularly, and listens to him as Jon rattles off theories.  

It’s overwhelming.  The idea that Martin cares for his well-being so suddenly and intensely is hard to grapple with--it’s almost easier to question it, because surely Jon has done nothing to earn it.  There has to be another explanation, and as paranoia creeps in it’s easy to fill that confusion with fear.  This is when I place “guilt grows into something more” referenced in the Q&A’s, and the start of Jon’s crush.  But repress, repress, repress.  He can’t let his guard down.  He can’t let himself sink into that warm feeling that rises up each time Martin checks on him.

TMA 42 - Jon finds Martin’s confession that he’s been lying.  The idea of Martin lying to him upsets him on a dizzying level.  Part of him feels so safe with Martin, and even more of him wants to trust him, but the letter pours fuel on the fire of it can’t be real, it can’t be real.  

TMA 53 - Jon is having a hard time fending off Martin’s shrewd concern, but can’t help but gravitate towards him.  Martin offers to bring him food from the cafe, and Jon invites himself along to eat with him instead.

TMA 56 - Finding what looks like another lie from Martin pushes Jon over the edge.  The idea that Martin is tricking him wounds him in a way he doesn’t want to examine.  He lashes out viciously, but deflates as soon as Martin explains.  He feels dizzy with relief; hysterical laughter is threatening to bubble up, and the smile he can’t fight back only unnerves Martin.  

Forget the fact that Martin just confessed to being a habitual liar over the course of a decade, and could easily trick him on any other matter--Jon’s given an excuse to trust Martin, and he latches onto it like a lifeline.  There are Feelings now, and he no longer has a reason to fight them off, but is on a mission he doesn’t want to get distracted from.  Repress, repress, repress.

TMA 79 - Jon is certain he is about to die.  He records what he’s sure are his last words--a weeping apology to Martin and Tim. 

TMA 81+ - Jon is staying with Georgie.  Despite trying to avoid specifics about his workplace, he Cannot Shut Up About Martin.  He talks about him so much and in such detail that Georgie is able to recognize him on sight something like a year later (TMA 149).  Drawing from the Q&A’s again, Jon hasn’t processed that he has feelings for Martin yet, but Georgie picks up on it.  

TMA 92 - Jon returns to the Institute.  He keeps his distance from Martin despite his feelings, afraid to pull him into the same danger and suffering he’s faced (TMA 98).

TMA 99 - When Jon insists on moving out, Georgie reminds Jon he needs to reach out to people, needs anchors.  Either they already had a separate conversation where Georgie told him to talk to Martin specifically, or Georgie said “talk to people” and Jon heard “talk to Martin,” as he later refers to promising her he’d talk to Martin specifically (TMA 102).  *Basira voice*  This boy’s got it bad.

TMA 100 - Peter Lukas visits the Institute to strike a deal with Jonah.  This deal is none other than Jonah’s gambit to get Jon his Lonely mark--meaning that by this point, Jonah’s willing to bet his life that Martin’s feelings are strong enough for Jon that he won’t succumb to the Lonely, and that Jon’s feelings are strong enough for Martin that he’d willingly enter the Lonely to save him.

TMA 102 - Everything is chaos when Jon returns from his kidnapping, but he finds time to talk to Martin.  He has so much to say, but it comes out in halting awkward stammers.  It isn’t nearly enough, but Martin seems to understand.  Martin is so patient, and kind, and resourceful, and resilient--and looks so forlorn when Jon says he has to leave again.  It’s not too late, Martin says, and more than anything Jon wishes that were true.    

By this point I think Jon realizes he has feelings for Martin--whether it was during this scene, or while alone with his thoughts for a solid month with Nikola

TMA 112-116 - Jon and Martin have their last chance to spend time together before the Unknowing.  Something hangs between them, fragile and delicate, and he’s afraid to touch it lest it shatter.  Jon wants to reach for it, but it seems cruel with what could be his death waiting just ahead.  If they survive this, maybe he’ll be brave enough.  Martin said it wasn’t too late, but Jon has to make sure it won’t be the end of the world, first.  Repress, repress, repress.

TMA 117 - By this time, Jon’s listened to the tapes and heard the office gossip which he’s “not sure is necessary or t-- tr-- conducive to a workplace--”  He’s leaving a last message before going to his own death, but still can barely hold back the giddy does he like me back?? feelings when he talks about it.

TMA 122+ - Jon comes back to life.  Everything is changed and wrong, but nothing hits him harder than Martin’s absence.  He was so sure that Martin would be there, that they’d be able to pursue that unspoken promise.  Here is when I think he realizes he’s in capital L Love with Martin.  As he wallows in his worry for him, he doesn’t bother trying to distract himself from how he feels about him.  He loves him, he needs him to be okay, he trusts him despite the pain, he’d do anything for him.