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Understanding Mismatched Libidos in Heterosexual Relationships

In most long term heterosexual relationships, there is an inevitable drop in the frequency of sex. Unfortunately, the ‘lust’ and spontaneity that defined early parts of the relationship get pushed aside in the face of the more ‘practical’ side of a long term marriage - finances, work, chores, children… the list goes on.

On top of this, most women typically have a lower sex drive than men in long-term monogamous relationships. This is often described as a “mismatched libido” - a situation where the male is craving sexual interaction and the female is not feeling the same urge - or, at least - not with the same frequency. Subtle cues that one partner is ‘not in the mood’ will often discourage the other partner from even probing for physical affection in the first place. In these cases, it is common for the male to feel sexually under-utilized or under-engaged.

This mismatched libido situation often leads to two of the most common sexual mood-killers in long-term relationships:

The male begging you for sex, which is a huge turnoff for you

Giving the male sex because you feel ‘bad’, which is a huge turnoff for him

Also, less frequent ejaculation makes lovemaking far more difficult for the male as increased sensitivity and pent up ‘horniness’ is a recipe for premature ejaculation and performance anxiety which can make the male hesitant to initiate. To counter this, males will turn to masturbation and pornography - both of which increase the production of the sexual ‘shut-off’ hormone, prolactin, which makes the male significantly less likely to be responsive and affectionate to their partner. Males who are masturbating frequently will often appear irritable or ‘grumpy’ as a result of these courting hormones being suppressed. It’s easy to see how these combining factors lead toward a vicious-cycle of sexual decline.

A Solution: Aligning to the Male Hormonal Cycle

As a biological reality, trying to increase the female libido is not a realistic solution to this issue. It is much more effective to manage the libido imbalance from the male’s side.

This is done by aligning the male’s orgasm frequency with their typical sexual hormonal cycle. Luckily, the timings of this cycle are fairly predictable and well understood. It typically works as follows:

Directly post-orgasm: Males experience a 'drop' caused by a rush of prolactin - an energy and oxytocin (courting, cuddling, compliance hormone) suppressant.

3-5 days post-orgasm: Prolactin starts to return to normal levels.

You may notice the typical "3 day itch" where he's grouchy or irritable. He's highly likely to want to masturbate in this period to get the endorphin rush to offset his slump. He could ask you to unlock him - if so, he's testing your commitment. Tell him he’s doing well and to push a little longer. A little teasing or attention will get him through.

5-21 days post-orgasm: Oxytocin levels start to increase.

You will start to notice a glorious, loving, caring - even obedient version of your male! His desire for you will escalate through this period.

21+ days post-orgasm: Oxytocin production starts to plateau and stabilize.

More of the same, but after 21 days the dramatic increase will subside, although the levels don't drop off necessarily.

This is why many believe that the 21 days mark is the ideal minimum point at which to allow male release, effectively pushing the reset button for the cycle to start again. This alignment to the male’s hormonal cycle is the essence of what is broadly known as Male Orgasm Control.

Implementing Male Orgasm Control

Now for the fun bit - for you and him! The most obvious, but often neglected part of initiating a more structured sexual relationship in this way is communication. Whether this is your idea initially, or his, is irrelevant. Communicating openly and honestly will set the parameters for the thriving sexual journey ahead.

This starts by collectively agreeing to place the male’s orgasms under her control. Setting this, and other rules, as well as a clear structure (even schedule) will be the first part of the journey, after which you will adjust as you see fit.

For example:

Schedule release windows: perhaps a day of the week every 18-21+ days. This is suprisingly useful in long term relationships as it keeps you both on track!

The male is to agree to have no orgasm outside of this window. You (or he) may wish him to wear a chastity device during time, which has a variety of benefits (see below).

Remain intimate with kissing, cuddling, teasing, massage throughout the cycle. This is spontaneous and unplanned intimacy that is at the heart of bonding as a couple.

On release day, give him permission to orgasm. This may be during sex, you may wish to give him a handjob, BJ, touchless orgasm, caged orgasm or simply ask him to masturbate to climax.

5. The cycle begins again!

It’s as simple as that! Orgasm control is in essence about providing a structure and ‘game’ element to your sexual relationship that addresses the key issues of mismatched libidos. For him, the game is one that gives him focus, attention and satiates his need to be desired, in alignment with his sexual hormonal cycle. For you, it balances the libido differences that so often cause misalignment, and gives you clarity, structure and fun sense of control which you will both find hugely rewarding and exciting.

Commit to it!

Something crucial to note at this point: this journey succeeds only if you, as the female, commit to it. Whether you introduced this to your partner or the other way around, if your male is locked in a chastity cage, he is committed to make it work! There will be times when he's super into it, and times when he madly wishes he could unlock and jerk off - but he can't - you have the key.

What he needs is reciprocation from your side - committing to the process, acknowledging and embracing your control, and never simply 'lock and forget'.

Set the schedule

Control (hide) the key

Set some rules

Follow through!

The benefits for you are:

His behavior will change as he, even on a hormonal level, will be trying to 'seduce' you and please you

There is no pressure for you to ‘be in the mood’ outside of the release schedule… there will be no 'nagging' / begging for sex from his side, which is a big turnoff.

He will have more sexual energy for you, which you can direct however you choose - even towards non-sexual things like home tasks, keeping fit and sexy for you… be creative!

The element of control can be lots of fun - for both of you!

The benefits for him are:

Increased energy and focus

Clarity regarding the structure of your sexual relationship, rather than constant 'hope / disappointment' of the libido imbalance

Sex is not the focus, so even small things like verbal cues or physical touch and teasing are sufficient and very pleasurable for him. In the 5-21 day period, the male is climbing towards peak arousal. Any sexual interaction - kissing, touching, massaging, foreplay - will be totally electric for him. In many ways, the orgasm itself becomes secondary.

The release, when it comes, is totally mind blowing for him.

The Case for the Cage

It is often surprising for female partners to learn that in most cases, the process of male orgasm control is significantly improved for the male when a chastity cage is used. Some key reasons are:

Discipline:

Firstly, and most obviously, the cage makes it impossible for him to masturbate outside of the release window. Many males have NEVER gone 21 days without orgasm since they had their first one in their teens! This is the training aid that they need to align to the new schedule.

Zero Erections:

Another key reason is that having regular erections without stimulation and release is extremely frustrating for the male. It is effectively like making a fresh cup of coffee and allowing him to smell it, but never allowing him to taste. Locking him up effectively and painlessly prevents erections, which means he is not getting to smell the coffee in the first place - at least until he is allowed to do something about it in the release window.

Decreased Sensitivity:

The cage also prevents access to the most sensitive part of his nub (the frenulum), which means this is not constantly being simulated unintentionally during movement, sleep etc. This frustration can result in whining, sleep disruptions and begging for sex, which really defeats the purpose.

Arousal:

Finally, a chastity cage should be understood as a tool which provides a constant reminder of the shared sexual experience between you and him. Without any effort on your part, you as the keyholder are driving him wild (in a good way!) every time he thinks of sex - whether in a staff meeting, driving to work, at the supermarket or on a running trail. The sexual charge is highly exhilarating. Try it on for size 😉.

Conclusions

In a nutshell, Male Orgasm Control is the simplest, most effective and fun way to help us bridge the gap between nature’s mismatched libidos. Talk about it with your partner, define the parameters and enjoy the journey towards blissful sexual alignment!

Well-Dressed Women #157