Anything Can Be A UFO If You're Bad At Identifying Flying Objects

I am violently and relentlessly kind.

She likes me 'cause I'm bad (went through a roundabout at 30 mph instead of the speed limit of 25)

Me, buying a box of strawberries: I hope I can eat all these before they go bad, there are so many

Me, the next day: where did all my berries go 🧍‍♀️ (I eated them)

Do y'all know that song that's like the Sophia the First theme but also a little bit like the bridge from Love Shack (B-52s) and also like the Fairly Odd Parents theme? Asking for a friend

Remember, the most important thing is to do all your tasks with a scowl :)

*my assistant runs on stage, whispering frantically* wait- what. Oh- a SMILE do it with a SMILE- WAIT A SMI-

Cute first date discussion idea!

Which of the 7 deadly sins do you feel most applies to you :)

new year, new me! I'm going to get even sillier

I am the funniest bitch at the gynecologist

I am preparing for battle (going to the post office to kindly and politely ask where my missing package is)

Life is a highway and I am a Chevy Impala with my hazard lights flashing