Are You Okay?

Are you okay?

I get asked this a lot. The answer, truthfully, I'm not sure I can give. I'm trying to be okay, so I don't burden others with my issues but I'm only suffering more by lying to people. I hide behind a smile because it is easy. If I push it down and bottle it up. I am ordinary, not really going anywhere in life. All of my dreams have been crushed. My best friend is getting my dream job and I cannot join her because I medically cannot. I mean her no hate. If anything, I'm proud of her and will support her until my dying breath. But I was still a punch to the gut. I am about to go into Dept because of student loans. I lie to the faces of the people I love most in the world because I can't be stronger. Everyone has their own problems to deal with and I don't want to add to them. I am trying to better myself. For them. Because they deserve the best. But I'm not sure that's me. So I have to be better. There's a girl I know. She's beautiful. She's smart. She's a great person. There's a girl I know. She's prettier than me. She's smarter than me. She's a better person than I am

There's a girl I know

She has it all figured out. I wish I could have her confidence. I wish I was her. I am jealous of this girl. Why am I not her? Why /can't/ I be her? There's a girl I know. I love her so.....

I wish she was me. I wish I was her 

Am I okay? No. Maybe one day I will be. But that day is not today. I am working on it. I will make you proud of me. I swear it to you. It may take a lifetime, but it will happen.