To A Homophobe, Even The Most Chaste Kiss On The Cheek Between Gay People Is Exactly As Disgusting And

This came to me in a vision.

Feel free to add your own favorite "eldritch being x traumatized mortal" ships!

Stede is gonna be mediocre at sex with Ed? Like that man doesn’t pay attention to the smallest detail down to Ed’s pinky nail and wells of psychological trauma? Like that man hasn’t spent months putting together strings of words that burrow straight into Ed’s soul as soon as they’re found? Like that man doesn’t have a lifetime of repressed desires just bursting to get out of him? Like that man doesn’t know exactly how Ed feels from moment to moment, has since the first time they met, and has taken a Master’s level course in The Study of Edward Teach since?

Like, good sex ain't pure mechanics. It’s being attuned to your partner's needs and desires and listening to what they like and what they don’t. There are plenty of people who have tons of sex but aren’t really good at it because they’re more concerned about their pleasure than their partner’s.

And it’s also about the partner. Ed’s not just lying there letting Stede get on with it. He’s guiding and talking and responding and giving Stede pleasure too. Not to mention encouragement, and you know that Stede Bonnet responds well to positive reinforcement.

So while he may not be 100% competent with the mechanics yet, you better believe Stede is listening to every goddamn sound Ed makes, and every goddamn reaction his body has, and making an exhaustive list of exactly How to Make Edward Teach Come So Hard That He Blacks Out And It’s Actually Kind Of Scary For A Minute that he will dictate to Lucius the next morning.

Stede’s whole thing is that what he lacks in mechanical skills he makes up for in empathetic wisdom, whimsical enthusiasm, and a wholehearted dedication to the bit. Like, you think that little man so pocked with self-esteem issues would be so goddamn smug the next morning if he didn’t KNOW he had just fixed Ed’s lower back?

I think we lean into Stede being a cringe-fail dork while sometimes ignoring that he does actually have a strong skill set that includes emotional intelligence, planning and innovation, and being in love with Ed.

Tl;dr: Stede Bonnet, Worst Pirate of the Caribbean, made Edward Teach see colors in a whole new spectrum. And that was just their first time. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.

Me, an incorrugible monster fucker: OK, this villain's a triangle for Pete's sake, at least he won't push any of my buttons.

Bill Cipher within about 2 seconds:

2024 the year of toxic old man yaoi

Very much the vibes for a character in my novel; thank you, clever person who compiled these.

KILL ME IF IT'S WORTH IT; ON FLESH.

silas denver melvin // ethel cain // george bataille // blythe baird // margaret atwood // nicole homer // emily palermo.

Hux: Is that your granddad’s coat?

Derailment of thought--defined by Cambridge.org as "a pattern of spontaneous speech in which the ideas slip off the track onto another one that is clearly but obliquely related..."

Defined by me as a the thought pattern that singlehandedly ruined*** both Tommy Taffy and Taylor Swift when the "Anti-Hero" video dropped.

Observe:

Now try to tell me that's not how "Third Parent" went.

***(By "ruined" I mean "improved.")

Miss Uhura, your last sub-space log contained an error in the frequencies column.

accuracy of horror movie titles

Scream: 10/10

they sure did

Get Out: 10/10

he sure did

A Quiet Place: 10/10

it sure is