Dreaming Of Being A Better Human.

One day One…day… That day will come. What ever that one day means to you. Whether it be the day you choose to stay, Or the day you choose to leave. The day you choose them, Or the day you choose yourself. The day that scares you the most, Or the day you choose to be brave. There’s always that one day. I hope it finds you when you need it most.

What are you most afraid of?

There’s always those phobias of snakes, spiders and bodies of water . Those are pretty rational. I know way too many people that are scared of those. Spiders are creepy with all their legs. Snakes are venomous. People drown everyday in lakes and oceans.

My fears are the feelings. Being helpless. Not being able to express my emotions the right way, or worse, expressing them and not having someone feel the same way. The fear of being lonely for the rest of my life.

I am helpless in a lot of ways. I make myself small in my own life and don’t express the emotions I need to, every day. I am alone and very lonely.

I’m afraid that I will live my entire life, not being true to myself. Having to live and not be who I really am. I’ve been doing it for almost thirty one years now. As a child, I lived to please my parents. As a young adult, I lived to please my friends. Now, an actual adult, I live to please my husband.

I am afraid that if I truly show everyone who I am, they will run away. Or, maybe I am the one who needs to run away. But the fear of leaving is too powerful.

Everyone has fears, that’s just human nature. Maybe what I am afraid of is just being human.

I am afraid of myself.

I am a lament, the trees whisper into the breeze on a windy day. Full of sorrow and grief over my useless existence.

You don’t understand I’m trying everyday to just stay alive. I’m not lazy, I know I have hours alone. There is no excuse for me not doing what needs to be done throughout the day. Other than, I am trying not to die. Literally. It’s not an expression. I spend my hours alone, writing, reading, playing video games. To distract myself. I’m scared of what would happen if I did not have things to distract myself with. The thoughts of dying are just too much some days, and I’d rather just sleep the day away.

Depression is a bitch on a good day.

I don't feel like ME anymore. If there ever was such a thing to begin with..

His eyes,

Blue as the sky on a stormy day.

Her eyes,

Hazel like the sodden ground beneath.

He is beautiful, in all the strange ways.

She is pure chaos, all sharp teeth.

They will never belong together.

Not in this lifetime.

Two almost lovers bound to roam forever.

So they dream of sometime…

I speak with the moon, most nights.

I tell him my secrets and dreams.

He listens intently at all I have to say.

People may say I’m crazy, but I have the stars that witness my madness.

I believe in the moon more than any person. He doesn’t judge me for what I have to say.

If I listen closely, he speaks back to me.

He tells me of his darkness, and how no one truly sees him without the sun.

He holds a special place in my heart.

For I am also unseen in my darkness.

I don’t believe you. I won’t ever believe you. I trust you wholeheartedly in everything you say; just not when you say that I am wanted. I’ve heard that too many times before, just to be left behind because I’m just too much. Too loud, too clingy, too excited, too sensitive…too much. Don’t get me wrong, I really want to believe you. But I’ve been let down so many times, I’m just waiting for you to get tired of me as well.

I want to be one of those normal people.

I know what you’re thinking, ‘there’s no such thing as normal.’

There are people out there though, that don’t hesitate to walk out the door to go to a store. There are people that don’t fantasize about death. There are people who don’t have trauma or flashbacks and nightmares about what others have done to them.

I want to be one of those people that wasn’t diagnosed with a major depressive disorder at 17.

I want to be one of those people that didn’t have to try several medications just for them all to fail.

I want to be one of those people that doesn’t have an anxiety disorder, and has a hard time just leaving the house.

I want to be one of those people that didn’t have to go to a therapist, just to add PTSD to the list of mental disorders.

I want to feel like a person again, instead of a number of things wrong with me, that affect my day to day life.

Please. Just let me be..

When I die,

Bury me in the forest.

There will be no need for visiting me.

I have found home with the foliage.

The shame of living will disappear as my body becomes the earth.