You Can Leave In The Morning

Long Gone (11) 

Pairing: Todoroki Shoto x Reader, Todoroki Shoto x Yaoyorozu Momo 

Warnings: Has mature content, profanity, mentions of infidelity and divorce  

A/N: barely proofread and hella late 😭🙏🏻 i'm sorry!! But ahhh we're close to the end!! Thank you to my babies who stayed up until this chapter and are still looking forward to my updates. As usual, I love hearing your thoughts! Let me know what you think!!

Masterlist 

Momo hates being at the hospital. To her it means she failed at something. Failed at protecting herself or the people she cares about.

She resents it. The plain white walls, the smell of sterilants hanging thick in the air, the medical personnels either walking about trying to function despite being tired out of their minds or running around desperately to save someone else's life. 

There's also the lot of them, either patients or just someone anxiously waiting for a test result or a goddamn miracle. Or like her, both.

She finds her breath catching when the secretary peaks in to tell her the doctor is ready to see her now. Her mind reeling back to the night Shoto bid her goodbye. She just remembers feeling so much anger and pain but all that was replaced by shame and guilt the moment she confronted you that night. Momo swallows hard, her hand drifting on her lower belly as she steps into the clinic. God, help her.

Momo spoke robotically as she told the doctor her concerns. Missed period, feeling nauseated and fatigued constantly, her breasts tender, some intense cravings and cramping on her lower stomach..

This couldn't be possible, right? It's days away from her ovulation when they last did it unprotected. She even took the morning after pill. She's not dumb. She took precautions. She's safe.. right?

Yaoyorozu felt nothing as blood was taken, her mind was too preoccupied with worries. Because what if this is karma? Wouldn't it be so ironic to get pregnant now right when Shoto just decided to end the affair after over a year? Wouldn't that just be the universe's way of saying fuck her for screwing someone else's husband and dad?

She feels bile rising in her throat as she considers the possibility of being actually pregnant. God, she isn't ready. What about her career? What would people think? How is she going to do this alone??

But..

What if this.. this baby is her salvation? Her light at the end of this long, painful tunnel? A piece of the man she loves that she would get to keep. A soft gasp escapes her at the realization, a tear slowly sliding down her cheek.

Momo swears time has never moved this slow before in her life. So much so that she played all kinds of scenarios in her head and by the time her results arrived, she was at a state of nadir.

"Yaoyorozu-san.." the doctor starts, smiling warmly at her. Momo hyper focuses on the doctor, latching on to her every word. Her brows shoot up by the end of her statement, the burden anchoring her heart and nervousness from the dreading vanishing in an instant.

"Thank you." She breathes, a wide smile erupting from her lips as tears rim her eyelids. "Thank you so much."

And as Momo walks out of the clinic, she feels like a new person. As if she's given another chance at life. She's so happy that when she bumps into a friend, she bursts further in tears as she hugs her.

"Momo?" Uraraka was obviously startled seeing her at the hospital but she hugs her back, running a comforting hand as the ebony haired girl sobs against her shoulder. "Hey, are you okay??" Uraraka then asks, glancing up at the clinic Momo just walked out of.

"Never been better. Thank you." Momo smiles through her tears as she pulls away. Uraraka gasps softly, proceeding to wipe her friend's cheeks. "Wait, are you?-"  she starts to ask, glancing back at her obstetrician's clinic.

"Yeah." Momo lets out a tearful laugh, interrupting her. "I'm good. I'm sorry, Ochaco but I have to go. It was nice seeing you though." She lets her go and the gravity hero does so too reluctantly, thinking of course she'd want to tell her family first. 

"Sure, yeah! Get home safely!" She says, mirroring her contagious smile and watches Momo excitedly head for the exit.

---

"What did I say?" Uraraka asks Mina in shock as you walk past them, looking as if you've just seen a ghost.Mina winces and scratches her neck, asking back, "Haven't you heard of the rumors?" She lowers her voice even more and walks closer to the brown haired girl, whispering, "Todoroki is having an affair with Yaoyorozu."

Uraraka gasps, her heart falling down her stomach as she stares after you. "I didn't know." She mutters regretfully. "Oh god."

"Are you sure though? Is Momo really pregnant?" Mina asks. Uraraka nods meekly, a frown tugging the corners of her lips. "My husband asked Iida-kun and I to help on their mission after Bakugo dropped out. I then noticed Momo was feeling sick." The gravity hero explains, "She was always nauseated and fatigued. I knew she was secretly dating someone, but she never said who it was! So when I said she should get checked because I think she might be pregnant." 

"After that, I coincidentally saw her come out of my obstetrician's clinic. She looked so happy, she was even crying when she hugged and thanked me." Uraraka sighs. "But God, I didn't know she was with Todoroki. I should have kept my stupid mouth shut."

Mina sighs too and pats her back saying, "It's alright, you didn't know." She then looks at you as you head to the exit, shoulders slumped and visibly trembling, due to which Mina could only guess are the sobs rippling out of you. "Poor Y/n."

---

Is this what you get? For thinking things are actually starting to look up for you and Shoto finally? For thinking there's a tad hope left?  

You wobble in your high heels as you walk to the car where Shoto already was with Yukio. God, you don't even want to see his face right now but you don't really have a choice. When Shoto sees you emerging from the double glass doors of the hotel leading to the parking lot with tears flooding down your face, his eyes widen. Shoto jumps out of the car and runs towards you. 

"Y/n, what happened?" He asks worriedly and tried to reach for you but you slapped his hand away, "Do not fucking touch me." You say through gritted teeth, rooting him in place with your tearful glare. 

"Just get in the damn car. Or if you want, call a driver or walk, I don't care. I'm going home with my son." You walk past him. "I want you out of the house first thing in the morning."

Shoto swallows hard, brows shooting up in confusion. "Love, wait I don't understand, I thought-" he catches your wrist before you could open the car door. "Hey, can you tell me what's going on? What happened?" He asks again desperately, grabbing your elbow and making you face him.

"What happened is you fucking ruined everything!" Your face is red as you turn to him screaming. "And I can't believe I dumb myself down for you! Thinking we could work through this somehow or at least have a decent relationship for Yukio!" You sob as you push him away. Shoto's heart breaks all over again. He thought so too after your conversation last night. What the hell changed? 

Shoto tries to reach for you again and this time you don't push him away. "Y/n, I'm trying, I promise." He mutters, voice starting to tremble.

You shake your head dismissively. "Was that speech of yours last night another one of your lies?" You asked. Shoto frowns defeatedly as he looks into your eyes, the little trust he regained last night no longer there. "What? No, I meant every word. I love you-" 

"So much, right?" You asked mockingly, a wry laugh escaping you. Using his own words to throw daggers at your husband's heart. "You love me so much that you slept with someone else? That you were so ready to throw away everything, even our family?"

You pulled away from him and screamed into your palms, muffling your cries. "God, Shoto. As if hurting me and risking our son's future and well-being is not enough! You had to go and be stupid to bring another innocent kid into this world to drag into your mess!" Your chest heaves as you desperately try to push air down your lungs. The surprise that painted your husband's face made you scoff.

Shoto's mouth drops open. He is on the brink of his sanity at this point, turning pale just like you did earlier upon hearing the news. His knees feel like they're going to give in underneath him.

"Momo's pregnant?" He asks breathlessly. 

"Are you expecting someone else? Did you put your dick in another whore?" You ask sarcastically and Shoto shudders, shaking his head vehemently. "Then who else could it be?? Of course, it's Momo!" 

"Are you sure?" He asks, eyes blown wide with fear. You sigh heavily, stubborn tears leaking out. "At least that's what I've been told. Maybe you should go to her and find out for yourself. But as far as I am concerned, I am done with the two of you." You turn on your heel, wanting nothing more than to be with just Yukio.

"Y/n, wait-" Shoto tries again though, hugging you tight from behind. "Wait, please."

"For all the bullshit you told me last night, you at least got one thing right." You mutter. "I do not need to hurt myself further by staying with you while you clean up the messes you made. And if you really are having another kid with Momo, then I truly have no reason left to fight for us. I'm done, Shoto." 

"Y/n, don't give up on me please." He whimpers, burying his face on the crook of your neck. "You and Yukio are all I have left."

"You should have thought of that before." You grit your teeth and pry his hold off of you. "I'm done." 

You got into the car defeatedly and stopped short before driving off. You turned to look at him for the last time and saw Shoto still unable to process what you just said to him, staring at the ground, tears speckling the concrete by his feet. You could almost feel bad for him. 

But you can't keep trying to save this relationship at your expense. You can't be the one taking all of the burdens all the time. So as much as it pains you, as much as you still love your husband after everything he's done, you're choosing to walk away. 

You got in the car with a heavy heart, tears now freely falling down your cheeks. You were so engrossed with your own sorrow that you didn't realize Yukio had woken up and was looking at your sobbing figure. He pretends to go back to sleep for your sake, his own little heart breaking in pieces.

---

When you get home, your eyes are almost shut from all the crying. You couldn't help the hiccups escaping you even as you open the door to take Yukio from the car seat. To your surprise, your son has tear streaks staining his cheeks. Your vision blurs as a wave of fresh hot tears prick at your already sore tired eyes.

"Honey, hey." You try to plaster on a smile but it just comes out wrong, Yukio just stares at you and places his little hand on your face, wiping the tear that had just fallen. "Let's get you to bed." You picked him up and carried him into the house. You feel Yukio's small hand gently rubbing your back just like how you used to comfort him if he's scared or upset. The gesture had you biting back the impending cries that wanted to escape you, thinking how fortunate you are to have such a good son.

"You and dad are fighting again." He asks meekly as you sit him in bed to change his clothes. Yukio starts sniffling seeing how hurt you are as he looks at your face. "Mommy," he started to cry too. "Please, stop crying." 

"I'm sorry." You muffle your sob, kissing the side of his head. "Mommy's okay. I'm so sorry." You hugged him tight, worry flooding you. Has he been awake all that time? Did he hear you and Shoto fighting? How much does he understand?

"Was it because of me again?" Yukio then asks, making your brows furrow. You pulled away and held his face.

"Honey, no. God, no!" You shake your head vehemently. "Why would you think that?" 

"Because I don't clean my toys right away after I play? Because I always run around the house and tease Kenshin-san? Because I'm always noisy when dad is busy in his office?" He cries harder and you realize these are the little things Shoto used to scold him about. "Because I can be good, mommy, l promise." 

"Tell dad I'll be good." He hiccups. "Maybe then he won't fight with you again."

You thought you were utterly broken before but wow, were you mistaken. It felt as if your soul left your body. Your sweet son thought this is all his fault and he's blaming himself. But thank heavens he didn't hear or understand what you and Shoto were actually fighting about earlier. 

"Yukio, listen to me." You rub your thumbs against his cheeks and wipe his tears. "Daddy and I have problems to deal with, but none of that was ever your fault." A whimper escapes you as you hold him tight, rubbing his back soothingly to try and calm him. "We both love you so much. You're the best thing that happened to us so don't you ever say those things again." 

You pull away just enough to lean your forehead against his and say, "You're the best son anybody could ever dream of having. You're kind, smart, creative, funny and so thoughtful. Your dad and I love you so much!" Your voice breaks as a broken sob escapes you. "I feel very lucky to be your mommy and I would do anything for you."

The toddler continues to sniffle, his arms looping around your neck to hug you again. "I don't want to see you crying anymore, mommy." He murmurs. You muffle your sobbing on his shoulder, gazing up at the ceiling as you try to will the tears to stop. "Okay, love. Okay." You whisper, kissing him on his shoulder. You take a deep breath and nod, wiping your eyes and face as you pull away to face him.

You smile down at him and he slowly stops crying too. Your shaky smile turns into a genuine one seeing Yukio smile back. 

"I promised, didn't I?" You then lean in to kiss his nose. "Mommy can do anything for you." 

---

God, he should have left the party earlier. Why did he really have to witness this shit?

Bakugo sighs heavily, sitting in his car and thinking he should probably just run the fucking bastard over to end his misery. Did he really just fucking got that slut pregnant? 

"Goddamned asshole." He mutters as he glares at Todoroki, standing amidst the parking lot like the idiot that he is. He then sees you drive out of the building and he puts his car on drive. The tire screeched against the pavement as he stopped just a foot away from Todoroki. 

"Get in." He grumbles. Todoroki blinked at him and wiped his face. Bakugo groans when another bloody second passes with Shoto just gawking at him. "Get in the fucking car and let's go see for ourselves if you really did knock that bitch up!" 

Todoroki soundlessly gets into Bakugo's customized orange and black Pagani. Bakugo exhales sharply as he starts driving. "For a damn second there, you had me rooting for you, Icyhot." He grumbles. "I thought maybe you were just stupid but you actually do love Y/n and can still deserve her. But if ponytail is really carrying your kid, then.. shit." 

"If she is, then I have to take responsibility." He mutters. "For everything that I did. Y/n would probably never forgive me. But I deserve that. I just hope she won't keep Yukio from me." 

Bakugo throws a quick glance at him, trying to decipher what's really going on inside his head. 

"And if Yaoyorozu isn't pregnant? What then?" Bakugo asks. Shoto looks as if he hasn't considered that possibility. Bakugo almost reached over and smacked him thinking, did he really fucked his mistress raw? How stupid is he??

But then, Todoroki clenches his jaw and says, "Then I'll do what I promised you earlier." He says with a determined look on his face. "Get my shit together and win back my wife and son. This time, making sure I actually deserve to be in their life."

---

"Are you sure about this?"

Yaoyorozu smiles at her dad and gives him a hug. "Yeah, dad." She then sighs. "I just hope mom will eventually come around and forgive me." Her dad rubs her back and squeezed her once before letting her go. 

"Your mom loves Y/n as her own." He says, tucking a loose lock behind her ear. "What you did is terrible but not completely unforgivable, especially now that you've realized how wrong you are and are regretful about it. But I want you to reach out to Y/n, to continue asking for her forgiveness." 

Momo nods, her lips quivering. "I will, dad. Just not right now, things are still so fragile and Shoto did say they're going to try and work things out." She sighs. "I don't want to get in the way of that. So this would probably be best." 

Her father sighs too as he glances at the last of his daughter's luggage being loaded on the car. "If you think so, darling. Make sure you take care of yourself. And call me the moment you land."

Yaoyorozu hugs her father tightly and says her goodbye. But then she sees Bakugo's outrageous sports car pull up in front of their manor. Her eyes widened seeing Shoto in the passenger's seat.

"What is he doing in here?" Her father asks and Momo had to place a hand on his chest. "Dad, please. He's probably just here to say goodbye." She murmurs. "Let me talk to him. Get inside, I'll head to the airport right after. I promise."

Yaoyorozu's dad fixed his glare at Shoto then back at her. "No more mistakes, Momo. No more." He warns, gaze softening as he cradles her cheek before heading to the house.

Momo sighs and nods at her driver to go wait inside the car. She then meets Todoroki halfway and eyed Bakugo behind him who remained seated inside his car. 

"You're leaving?" Shoto asks as he stops in front of her. Yaoyorozu nods and crosses her arms over her belly, making Shoto's eyes zero on it. 

"Yeah, I figured this is better,for all of us. Start anew." She murmurs. "I'm so sorry for everything."

"Me too." Todoroki says and wets his lips. "But what about the baby? Didn't you plan to tell me?" 

Yaoyorozu looks taken aback, her brows knitting. "What?"

Shoto closes the distance between the two of them and holds her arms. "You're carrying our child. That's why you're leaving, right?" He sighs. "If that's your decision, I'll respect it. But I want to help you through it. I want to work on myself for Y/n and Yukio. And taking responsibility for you and our kid is a part of it-"

"Wait, wait, stop-" Momo places a hand on his arm, shaking her head. 

"I'm sorry, Momo. I am choosing Y/n. But I'll support you on this, I won't abandon our-" he continued to ramble on and Momo had to physically shut him up.

"Todoroki, I am not pregnant!" She practically screams at him out of frustration.

Shoto rips her hand away from his mouth and stares at her in.. relief. "You're not?" He asks, he could not help the small smile tugging the corners of his lips.

"No!" She shakes her head vehemently. "Who told you?" Momo asks out of curiosity but before Shoto answers, her eyes widen, recalling her interaction with Uraraka a few days ago and her mouth slacks. "God, it was my mistake. I'm so sorry." She then says but to her surprise, Shoto hugs her. 

"No. I'm sorry." He says and then sighs. For the first time in a while, Shoto feels hopeful. There may be a chance left for him and Yaoyorozu to redeem themselves. 

Momo took a deep breath and hugged him back tight. "I forgive you. I hope one day Y/n will forgive us too." She murmurs. Shoto pulls away first and gives her a sad smile. "If there's one thing I'm sure about my wife, it's that she's the strongest and most loving woman I know."

"Do everything to win her back. You won't get to find another woman like that." Momo says with a tearful smile, cupping his cheek. "Make sure this time around, you deserve her and never take her for granted." 

"I will." Shoto murmurs. "Take care of yourself, alright?" He says and Momo exhales shakily. She couldn't help herself and hugged him one last time. She still does love him but now knows her place. And his place, which is by your side and Yukio's. "You too, Shoto." She mumbles against his shoulder.

"Alright, alright! Jesus." Bakugo rolls his eyes as he pries the two off of each other. 

"So you're not knocked up, right?" Bakugo clarifies, Momo glares at him but nods anyway.  He then turns to Shoto and slaps his arm, "Congratufuckinglations, you won't father another gremlin. Now let's go!" Bakugo grumbles under his breath, "You two keep hugging like that you might end up making a fucking sequel to your damn mistakes." 

He then grabs the front of Todoroki's dress shirt and practically drags him to his car. Fuck's sake. The things he does for you.

Before he gets inside, he hears Yaoyorozu call after him. "Bakugo-san!" She doesn't know for what exactly, maybe for driving Shoto here? But she says, "Thank you."  Feeling as if it was only right for her to say that to him.

Bakugo looks at her for a whole second and sighs. "Sure. Just go on and get the fuck out of here." With that, he settles back in his car and drives off without another glance at the girl who single handedly destroyed the woman he loves.

---

 "Thank you, Bakugo." Shoto says as Bakugo pulls up in front of his house. 

"I didn't do shit for you." He grumbles, keeping his glare out the windshield. Shoto nods and undoes his seatbelt. "I know. It won't diminish the fact that I owe you though."

"And I'm sorry, for the things I said to you before. I guess I was just intimidated because deep down I knew that you are doing a better job at caring for my own wife and son." At this Bakugo meets Todoroki's gaze, his grip on the steering wheel tightening.

"And if I don't win Y/n's heart back, if she falls in love again, I sincerely hope it's with you." 

---

You sat in your old shared bed and took in every corner of it, reminiscing the early years of your married life made you smile sadly. With a resigned sigh, you head to the walk-in closet and pull out your suitcases.

The clothes pile in as you choose the ones you want to keep. Mostly ones that are given to you by Fuyumi and Rei. That doesn't stop you though from seeing the ones Shoto personally gifted you with making your chest pang with ache. And when your hand fumbles over that particular tyvek garment bag amongst the rack of dresses and gowns, you froze. 

It's your wedding dress. The one you told Shoto you'd pass on to your daughter. The one Shoto said you'll two have once Yukio is five, which he is now. Shoto was so sure your next kid would be a girl. A shuddering sigh escapes your lips. If things didn't turn out the way that it did, could you be carrying your second child? Your daughter? The one who'd inherit all these dresses and jewelries Shoto showered you with?

You turn away from it brusquely and settle on the carpeted floor to start folding in the ones you decided to keep. Moments later, you see Shoto emerging in the doorway. 

He walks to where you are and sits across from you. "Shouldn't I be the one packing?" He asks softly. You merely shake your head and keep your eyes on the clothes in front of you. "I changed my mind. I can't stay here."

Shoto nods quietly and then starts helping you. You watch him, seeing him folding the way you taught him to. Remembering it was one of the few disputes you two resolved as a married couple. You got sick of cleaning after the clothes he tried on and decided not to wear. So one day, you left it until he came home and told him, "I'll teach you how I want your clothes folded. This way you'll know it's not as easy as I make it look." 

You remember the startled look on his face and the focus he had when you started teaching him how to do things your way. Since then, there weren't any shirts on the floor or any article of clothing out of place.

Why couldn't it have been that easy? You ask yourself as you continue looking at your husband sadly.

"She's not pregnant." Shoto mutters, breaking the silence. "And she's leaving. I don't know though if it's just out of town or out of the country. I didn't ask."

That stopped you from resuming what you were doing and had you holding your breath. 

"And we've said our goodbyes, Y/n. We both regret what we did to you." Shoto looks up at you sincerely, holding his breath as he waits for you to respond.

You swallow hard and avert your gaze. "I can't forgive you both just like that. And our son blames himself for our fights. So when I tell him about our separation, how do you think he'll react?" 

"Let me talk to him, Y/n." He murmurs. "I'll tell him the truth."

Your heart aches as you stare up at him in disbelief. "Shoto, he's just five."

"I'll tell him it's all my fault. That you tried everything to keep our family together but I have problems that I need to sort out which I can't do without hurting him and you." He says and you shake your head, wanting to refuse putting your son through this. He's too young.

"I mean it, Y/n." He reaches over to grab your hand. "I love you. And even if it meant letting you go and letting Yukio hate me because of the truth then so be it. You've protected him from me long enough. It's time for him to see that his dad isn't the perfect man he thinks he is." 

"Let me apologize to him and tell him I'll be better." He raises your knuckle to his lips. "Just please, Y/n. Give me a chance to fix this." 

You take a deep breath, willing the chaos in your mind to quiet down. It's like whatever path you take, you'll end up having your heart more broken than it already is. Either way, Yukio gets hurt. But maybe Shoto is right. Maybe you need to stop protecting him and let him take the fall for once, even if that means opening your son's eyes to the bitter truth. 

Before you decided to have Yukio, you and Shoto did it together head on. Now it's only fitting that when you decide for his future, you and Shoto get to do it together too.

So you promise yourself that this will be the last time. The last time you'll allow yourself to have faith in your husband, in high hopes that what you're doing is what's best for Yukio. 

With a deep staggering breath, you squeezed Shoto's hand and nodded, saying, "Okay, Sho.. I'm trusting you."

And you hope this time, he won't make you regret it.

Taglist:

@princessatoru @mssuguru

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Zhongli may be rich in knowledge but we all know who really pays the bills here

“so you are saying that there are 7 bilion people and i fell in love with someone who doesn’t exist? hell yeah i did”

315 days with master diluc

hello catte today i present to you: kazuha writing/tracing his name with his fingers on your skin

I'm so so tempted to get h word with this but I shan't bc I'm in the mood for fluff rn––

⠀kjand but fr tho that would be so cute. I think that if he would write his name on your skin, he'd do it super casually, too? And I don't even think you'd recognize that the loops and the swirls he draws on your skin are anything more than simple shapes at first, either.

⠀Like, the two of you could merely be basking in the sun's warmth from the crow's nest on the ship, you half-asleep and Kazuha curling around you. His one arm is cushioning both your head and his while his other is draped around your middle. Even though your eyelids are threatening to close, you begin to see a pattern in the soft movement of his fingers on your skin. The longer you think about it, the more you realize that he's been tracing the same shapes into your skin over and over for the last couple of weeks.

⠀"Kazuha," you say around a yawn. His hand stills, probably surprised you were still awake. "What're you writing?" you ask sleepily, though an eye is open to look up at him.

⠀He blinks, then a smile comes upon his lips. "Hm? Oh, it's nothing to worry about. My hand was merely feeling a bit restless is all. Did I wake you?"

⠀You snort at his poor attempt to redirect the conversation and pull away slightly to look at him better. The hand that was writing on your skin comes to lightly grip you, preventing you from moving too far. When you regard him, your gaze is narrowed, if not still from how drowsy you are.

⠀"You've been writing the same thing on my skin for weeks by now, Kazu."

⠀His smile widens. "Have I?"

⠀You huff in faux anger, but from how he's gently pulling you back into his chest, you know he doesn't intend to tell you soon.

⠀"Rest, love," he hums, pressing a kiss to your forehead, cradling you in his arms. His hand from earlier settles on your middle again. "I'll tell you one day. Maybe."

⠀He chuckles when you scoff, but eventually you bury your head in his chest, and within seconds your breathing evens out and he knows you've truly fallen asleep.

⠀Kazuha sighs in contentment, closing his eyes as he rested his cheek against your head. His hand begins to move again, similar movements that he has indeed been repeating for some time now.

⠀Kaedahara Kazuha, he writes with the tip of his finger. It's a mark of love, an unseen sign of his devotion that only he knows has been written into your skin.

⠀Underneath it, however, he writes something slightly different.

⠀It's your name, so lovingly and carefully scrawled, but instead of the surname you currently use, he writes Kaedahara, instead.

⠀He sighs once more when he thinks about it, his chest warming at the thought. The name he had drawn on your skin isn't just a sign of his love–– it’s a promise, too.

⠀

tw: cheating

[ 22:25 ] if loving kaeya was hard enough, then learning to unlove him was just as much.

it hits you like a bullet at random times of the day. memories you thought you have already buried in the deepest part of your mind pierces your skin and strikes directly to your heart. soften fragments of him and everything that had to do with him haunting your mind, like an annoying ghost you couldn't exorcise. his sweet words poisoning your mind to no end, the places on your body that he once touched kept burning your skin.

but was it so wrong to still want him despite it all?

(it is.)

there was a tiny part of you that regretted ever walking away, the you who still believed in him—the you who's still intoxicated with his destructive love. and you had to clench your fists to the point they're cloudy white to ground yourself that it's for the better, digging your feet into the earth to prevent yourself from running back to his cold unloving arms.

you had to remind yourself again and again that kaeya does not deserve you after everything he had done, for breaking you to the point you believed you're can't be fixed. for burning your soul to ashes with the heat of his touch that had grown cold. for drowning you in his ocean of lies, dragging you to the very bottom without letting you breathe.

you had to remind yourself that choosing to end your ties with him was better than letting him ruin you even further than he already had, and that you were not at fault that he chose to love someone else when he already had you in the very beginning.

you did nothing wrong.

you gave him everything you had and more. you just simply loved him more than he ever did to you, and there was nothing wrong with that. it's not wrong to miss the kaeya you once loved. it's not wrong to let your heart break and cry for him for now because you know, in time, it will heal itself back up.

and when you start to understand, these memories of him that revisit you will stop becoming haunted. you'll stop wanting it, him, back. the distant images only becomes a reminder that not everything that seems attached on you is for you. and everything will become easier when you have come to terms that you deserve better, that it is only right for you to walk away.

you decided that this isn't an ending, but rather a revolution. a better beginning, a redirection. like finding a map after a year of being lost—on him.

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Happy Birthday to Tone Deaf Bard! hehe even though he hasn't come to the party... 😅

terrifying monstrosity: who could possibly love me when I am a terrifying monstrosity  me, stretched out on the table in front of them with a rose between my teeth: well

“Cry away the pain at night so I can fake a smile all day.”

— Unknown