The Reason That Social And Sexual Dynamics Are Screwed Is That Most People Don’t Like Most People,

the reason that social and sexual dynamics are screwed is that most people don’t like most people, but still want things from them. 

i was thinking, for example, about the “respectful promiscuous” male archetype. the kind of guy that gets laid a lot and is very good at sex, and so acquires a reputation as being some kind of player, with the implication that being a player means being kind of a jerk. women like him, so of course he doesn’t care about them. except that in reality, the reason he gets laid a lot is that he really really–almost to the point of weirdness–likes women. people focus on the negging part of game, the idea of manipulating someone into seeking your approval. but half of the fun of being teased is the idea that someone is paying enough attention to you to tease you. when it’s well-intended, teasing is an attempt to build intimacy and rapport. it’s attractive because the attention part is complimentary while the “insulting” part reassures you that you are not being pedestalized. it suggests that you 1) like someone, 2) as they are. it’s a kind of pact to be okay with each other’s imperfections. teasing is just a shortcut, though. as long as someone believes that you like them for “authentic” reasons, attention is extremely attractive. 

so people (not just women, this is a broader social principle) “like jerks” because jerkishness is a signal of authenticity, but they will absolutely accept authenticity in other forms. confidence is attractive because it assures people that you like them because you like them (or will like them because you like them, if they can convince you to like them), not because you want people to like you so you can feel good about yourself. imo, the focus on the idea that confident = high status = attractive obscures this more important reality, namely, that people really like being liked. 

problems happen because unless you’re a rare charismatic bird that likes everyone, you probably can’t give credible signals that you authentically like all the people that you might want social or sexual validation from. this is why “be yourself” is seen as the best advice to win friends, lovers, and social influence. it’s an admonition to make your (liking-people) signals more credible. which is great advice, in some ways, but often feels like terrible advice because the more actually credible (rather than fake-credible) your signals become, the more the pool of people you can convince you like them shrinks.