Hoes (small Shards Of Metal) Want Me (imbed Themselves In My Hands)

One time, I had an English professor tell me I should stop using my inhaler because it was bad for the environment.

Yeah an if you dropped dead it would significantly reduce your carbon footprint too, huh. What if we ALL just stopped breathing. Can’t be throwing fistfuls of plastic fuckin straws directly into the South Pacific when you got a BPM of zilch, can you? What a fuckin innovator. Was he head of your nation’s EPA *directly* before he retired to become world’s youngest baseline edgelord 4chan ass 14 year old boy with tenure, or did he wait for his 3rd consecutive Nobel peace prize before giving someone else a chance? Ask him if his back hurts from carrying the weight of all the world’s most pressing concerns to and from Chuck E Cheese each night or if his tiny spiny propellor hat lightens the load a bit. Did his big red clown nose come standard with his tweed set or he spring for the premium model with the biodegradeable sustainable foam and the super-boosted honk-honk action? Are his size 23 clown bitch oxfords custom? Does he take one off to use as a canoe on his annual vacations to his summer home in the balmy and tropical shit fuck dumbass islands or does he just levitate everywhere he goes by the power of his unparalleled Xmen level intellect. Can you ask him if Magneto is gonna spare the human race to run laps in his hamster wheel electrical generator complex or if he’s just gonna wipe us all the fuck out for the carbon tax credit. Ask him if the weight of his gigantic balls dragging in the ground behind him everywhere he goes adds to the mileage on his Tesla. When he wipes his ass does he use single ply to save the trees or just a fistful of baby ducklings that he can then gently bathe by hand with water collected by the rain barrel in the endangered orchid garden by the solarium on the west side of his sprawling villa, the one he bought when he sold the patent for the perpetual motion motion machine he built out of toothpicks and marshmallows in third grade before the obvious intellectual gap between himself and the rest of us bumbling simpletons weighed him down and killed his passion to create. What other wisdom has he yet to share with the world? What other knowledge that only he and my reiki-healing essential-oil-drinking violet-aura neighbour know that may benefit us all? Holy shit, have I been drinking WATER my whole life? That shit that whales live in? Guess I’ll just go lay in a hole out back and wait for the compost heap to take me. Should I confess my sins to Captain Planet first, so he may redeem my wicked soul in the true Eco Catholic way, or was that recyclable soda can I threw in the trash downtown at last year’s garlic bread festival because there were no recycling bins provided the final straw that made me unworthy of glorious green salvation? BRB, gotta go strip naked and flagellate myself before the begonias so that they may know the depth of my remorse. Don’t worry, I only buy locally-sourced hemp lashes produced by small home businesses at the farmer’s market, they have a three-for-two sale on Sundays if you bring your own reusable bag. Christ on a fucking cupcake

I just started watching X Files for the first time and I’ve decided to headcanon that Mulder is transmasc nonbinary because what cis person is named “Fox”

WHY DO ELKS SOUND LIKE THAT HOLY FUCK

hey babe, heard you like pathetic men. well i just accidentally spilled a glass of water down my front then instantly burst into tears. yes im available

the radio says "you make my dreams come true", my headphones say "i am god's mistake" karina of drawfee says "every time we kiss i swear i could fly"

listening to a art youtube video out loud and sad country music on my headphones and upbeat pop music on the radio all at once and also writing this tumblr post

having a good time on goodreads today

i have never been hungover bc im built different but this morning i woke up with a very sharp headache and a general awfulness in my body which feels very reminiscent of how people describe hangovers however i did not drink yesterday, i dressed up as hatsune miku in a silly christmas outfit and hung out in a big room of nerds

competitive sports are not my thing at all but holy fuck i love bot fights- killing machines with googly eyes beat the shit out of each other while the nerds controlling them look absolutely giddy? 10/10 fucking incredible entertainment

painkillers are a lie made by big pain to give you false hope

NEVER get into anything thats heavy on color symbolism bro . for months you will not be able to look at the color blue without instantly thinking of Squingle Dinglus