Dude (if That's Okay To Say) I Literally Went Down The Same Path As You. I Thought I Was Only Okay With

Dude (if that's okay to say) I literally went down the same path as you. I thought I was only okay with gender neutral descriptors, but I was lying to myself kinda (by kinda I mean it was a step in the right direction, but not right still), I really didn't want to be a man and I still do not know why. I went "cis" -> demigirl -> nonbinary -> demiboy -> trans man.

Then when I discovered male terms for myself it just kinda clicked. I was uncomfortable calling myself a man, still kinda am tbh because I look incredibly fem and there's nothing I can do about it, but once I grew into them and started calling myself a guy/man/boy etc. I got used to it more and more and now I'm not okay with being called anything else.

You don't have to be a trans man to be transmasc, you don't have to be a man if you don't want to, but you may start liking it like I did.

How do you feel about he/him in general? For me, I thought they/them felt right but then I thought about it and tested it out in sentences and it wasn't as right feeling as he/him. The only times I've been called "August" and "he/him" in public was at the mental hospital, but it filled me with a joy that's hard to describe.

How would you describe your dysphoria? For me, I thought I just wanted a flat chest and short hair, but then I realized I wanted male features all over, and didn't really want to be androgynous. I was drawn to FTM bottom surgery in particular, and that is and still is my main goal. I used to just think it was cool, but now I realize I want it.

I could test out some names and pronouns in a sentence if you'd like!

Sorry if this wasn't helpful or didn't make sense, sometimes I spill words out that don't quite make sense.

I just need to get this off of my chest, so here i go. Ive been out as nonbinary for almost 10 years (since i was 14) but over the past year ive started to Wonder if i might actually just be a man(meaning i would be trans ftm) and i dont know what to do with this information. I have friends that i know would support me (obvi since they support me as enby) but im so sceard of being a man. I hate the thought of calling myself s man or being called it by someone, but i love being called things like uncle or son. And my dysphoria (which has always been bad) has gotten so much worse over the past months too.

Idfk what to do about this. Any advice would be apriciated.