Art I’m Never Gonna Finish

These two IT guys I hired off Craigslist are here to fix my internet and I think they’re having a lover’s quarrel??? I took a pic:

TW: mental health, dissatisfaction, and more. Lil vent thing

I kinda miss being depressed. Not depressed as in I’m diagnosed. But I kinda miss the most recent time I was able to feel

I know it’s weird. Back then I wished to be like this. To be unable to feel. I wanted it so bad. Wanted it to take the pain away. And when it happened I was okay with it. After all how could I be happy. I haven’t been able to be happy for years now. But now that’s not even sad because I can’t feel that either

Even if tears start to from. Even if my face is drenched in them. I still feel nothing. It’s still empty. It’s a hollow show of emotion. A emotion that isn’t even there

I can’t be sad about this. And I can’t be happy about this

At first I was fine with it. Saw it as a good thing. I was happy to get rid of my emotions, and be able to live my life without constant stress, sadness, and dread

I’m not mad I’m like this. Not upset. I can’t be. But I’m kind of growing tired of it. I’ve been unable to feel anything for around 4 years now. It was nice at first. As nice as it can be when you’re like this. But now I kind of want to go back

Not forever. Just for a few months. Kind of like a refresher. So I can remember what it felt like. What my thoughts were. What I acted like. It would be good for me. Realistically I need to heal, and starting to feel again is apart of that process. And it’s gonna be a painful one. I don’t think I’ll feel happy for a while when I start to feel again

But that’s not what I’m referring to. I want my wish to come true. To feel absolute despair for a few months. Maybe 3, or four. Not too long. I want to feel awful. I want to be connected to that part of me. I want to remember exactly what it felt like. Rather than being so disconnected

What’s weird though is that if I went back I’d likely long for this again. No matter what we always long for the other situation. But for me I haven’t longed for happiness. I haven’t even considered it as an option

Probably says a lot about me

It’s a little hard to stay focused on this, and to come up with the words. And to write it at the same time. And to remember my thoughts before I started writing. I hate thinking of ideas so perfectly then forgetting them before I can write them

So many beautiful thoughts faded away

I also wish I didn’t have random incorrect spelling lines all over this post even when they are meant to be gone. There is one above a word right now. There’s not even anything there. And it’s from the previos post I think. I could close this, and it probably would reset, but I don’t care to. I kinda hate the replacement lines which is what these actually are I guess, but who cares

Back on topic

Now it’s gonna be hard to start thinking about it again

This is gonna be so long and these useless bits aren’t helping. Oh well

Now back for real. Not that anyone’s reading this anyway. Hi

It kinda sucks being disconnected. At first it was nice. I didn’t feel awful, and got to keep all the good. Like the memories, getting ‘happy’ from music, and other things occasionally, and having opinions

Now though it’s kinda got harder. I do have opinions of course, but they feel harder to grasp. They probably always were since this started, but still

It’s harder to know if I like a song when I try to listen to new stuff. It’s so rare for it to actually make me physically feel something. I don’t feel anything mentally so I have to rely on guesswork, physical feelings, and any shows of emotion my body decides to do. Like smiling, laughing, quickened heartbeat, and crying. I think I’m pretty good at being able to guess what I’d be feeling in the exact moment I’m in. Right now I’d either feel nothing, or be crying for talking about my feelings. Then I’d also hate myself for crying, and being weak. And if probably be degrading myself because I think I deserve it

Sorry that’s a big paragraph

Is mental self harm a thing? I’m not talking about occasionally saying something bad about yourself in your head. Which isn’t healthy either, but not the topic. I’m talking about the thoughts you get at night when you’re all alone with them

Pointing out everything you hate about yourself until you cry. Telling yourself why things would be better off for everyone if you died. How they’d have more time, resources, and money if you were never born. And you just constantly waste then

Anyway

I want to at least feel physically happy again. I want to feel my heart crushing in a good way, and want to squeal. Stuff has made me feel like that recently but not recently enough. I enjoyed listening to strawberry gashes for at least an hour. And Pretty by Kidneythieves. I loved thinking about a ship I’m Hyperfixating about

But nothing is giving me that anymore. It always sucks when it goes away

I just took a few minutes break from this, and had a pretty good cry, and thought some good thoughts. Don’t know if this helped me at all, but it’s something. I had thoughts. Not feelings though. But I cried, and yeah

Can’t really continue this. I don’t know if I can get back in the track I was on. Goodbye

Bill bday fan art even thought I can’t draw him

I wanted to draw him in a party hat originally, but forgot, and drew him normally. Luckily I just made a edit, so now I have 2. He turned out better than I was expecting

So Gacha Life 2 came out recently. It’s in beta, but honestly I’m surprised it exists at all. There’s a lot of cool features, but I hope some more is added, and I hope more black hair is added. So I made my oc, and I will put it below the read more bar for those who don’t want to be spoiled

I was also able to make Bill Cipher because I was curious if I could, and I can. It was a little difficult, and it’s annoying to pose him, but I did it! I can post him as well if anyone wanted to see him. Maybe I’ll make more Gravity Falls characters

Going to the movies with some friends

I went to a concert! This is my 3rd, but my first with under 200 people. There were 3 bands. The 2nd one told the ladies to do a mosh pit I was holding onto the bar, and got bumped into a little bit. I didn’t know how to properly get away so I just stayed there. There was also a running circle around I’ve only heard of the mosh pit. I had to get away because they were kinda unorganized, and kept getting closer when I got away. I was thinking about joining, but decided against it. A person gave me a compliment, and we talked for a tiny bit while the 2nd band took their stuff so Violent Vira could go. This was when I went back to the front because I wanted to see her, and stuff. Originally I wasn’t going to record, but I ended up getting some full songs anyways. I’m only gonna post the one clip that isn’t a full song, and I’ll just listen to the rest

It was so cool. I did a lot of jumping, singing, and screaming. Almost everyone was singing it was so fun. At the end something gross happened so I’ll put a read more for those who don’t want to read it

It was so hot due it being crowded, and I had a hoodie on so I got too hot. I fell, but someone helped me to the trash can. My favorite song “I don’t care” was going to play too! I managed to bring my stuff over to the trash can, and sat down. I was pretty dizzy, and ended up puking. The person got me a water while the guards also brought me some paper towels. I was ok after that, and went outside. My mom came, and I listened to more songs. It was awesome! I can’t wait to go to another concert maybe I will go into the mosh pit next time. I also will make sure not to wear a bunch of layers, and I will wear tennis shoes instead of platforms

Urgent update my little brother is dying 😭

Today we took our little brother to the hospital because he suffers from an infection that affects his breathing and causes him pain. I hope that every living conscience will help us save our young son’s life and donate any amount you can.

Unfortunately, there is no treatment in the hospital for my little. Help us before it is too late.

hey um guys am i hallucinating or is invader zim on spotify??? because it LOOKS like its just a all the episodes posted as a 'podcast' that you can watch in the little music video sidebar...do people know about this????????

Pet Names

Bonus: