Ariadnesforgotten - Don't Worry,I Hate Myself Too.

So there's this girl. I really like and care for her. We've been talking every day for months. Gone on a few dates. We have tons of chemistry. For context, I'm in my thirties I haven't had chemistry like this much in my life.

Three weeks ago we had talked about what we want our relationship to look like, boundaries, wants, life styles, we got into the weeds of things like what chores we prefer and hate.

We haven't really talked since. Last night she came out of hiding. We caught up a bit. She went over how she felt bad that we haven't talked because she has her own mental health stuff she wanted to recoup from. I brought up it was three weeks and she felt awful. She said that she thought it was only one. We caught up a bit and topic by topic went through things. I brought up the relationship stuff. She said we can go over that tomorrow (that being tonight) on our video chat date.

Yep, I'm getting broken up with someone over video conference. I give it a 5% chance that it goes positive. But yeah, after being ghosted for that long signs all point to one direction.

For history sake I want to bring up that this is the standard. Me and a girl like each other, talk a lot, I help them through things and they leave. It's been awhile though. Two or three years since the last one and that was a doozy. I'm always a day late and a dollar short. I'm not worth trying just a little bit for if even considered at all.

Russian Doll (2019 - Present)

If someone were you give me a hug. I feel like I'm already a ghost. Live or dead wouldn't really change anything.

I just... Hate myself so much. It bleeds onto the things around me. Today was hard. Much harder than it needed to be. I'm not meant to be loved. The attention and affection i do get is not only alien, but feels like the universe teasing me. I know it won't go anywhere beside that fleeting moment. But fuck me. I want to die. Kill me. I'm never going to figure this out. I'm never going to be given a chance. I'm not built for me. What a sentence that is. Just let me die.

I stood up and defended a friend from a weird situation on the street the other day. The group was amazed. The trick is hoping to lose. The trick is wanting the end..

I'm in my epilogue and the universe won't let me even think of trying anything else. No new stories. No new connections. No nothing.

“All love is unrequited.”

— Susan Ivanova

I was... Familiar with the grief box? There's a box in your head for the horror you've been through. In each box there's a button and a bouncing ball. When the ball hits the button you get to feel grief and pain. Over time the ball shrinks, but never goes away.

It's not like I was abandoned this time. But it looks like a duck in the distance, and stinks of a duck, but is walking only a little like a duck. Maybe I won't be fully abandoned this time.

I'm just not strong enough. I wrote my first draft of my note. I usually feel a little better after doing that. It's weird, I know. This time it felt different. It's a good thing my state has real good gun control. Too bad there's other ways.

I'm not allowed to be fulfilled. Not allowed to be happy. I am allowed grief and trauma. Parents made sure of that.

Not like I have a future. I barely have a present. You should read Midnight Nation. I think if it wasn't for one person I would have slipped through to that side.

Nobody cares. Nobody. Why would they? They have good lives. I'm stuck. They have all moved on. I'm stuck. That's a good way of putting it, but like most quick phrases it misses nuance.

I'm in the back of a concrete mixing truck. If I stop moving, stop the drum from spinning, the concrete will get hard and I'll die. If I try to get out, the concrete will get hard and I'll die. So I'm alone walking in that drum. Nobody to talk to. Nobody to care. Why would they? I'm not even sure I'm human.

-C

I've been joking, mostly to myself, that I'm a ghost. I don't really exist. When I go there will be no proof I existed, just some people talking about collective hallucinations.

came out swinging - the wonder years

Finally had the other shoe drop. My friends think I'm dramatic when I talk about my history when it comes to romance. I'm not being dramatic I'm just going to die alone.

She went through the reasons she wants to date me but decided on not continuing. By her own words she should be dating me. But won't.

History repeats itself. Day late buck short, story of my life. She really wanted to get into the weeds and try to pad herself because she really likes me and doesn't want me to be hurt. She kept going over a couple of the same point so I had to let her know it's ok.

Awhile back I found a picture of me from forever ago and sent it to her because it's a funny picture. She made comments about if we had met then she would have made sure we dated because I'm her type. I joked that wouldn't have happened and every time she asked why I gave her joke answers.

Fast forward to tonight and her trying to get us on the same page. I reminded her of that conversation and told her the real answer. That it didn't matter when or under what circumstances we met, *this* would have still happened. She understood where I was coming from.

This isn't the first, won't be the last time a girl can and wants to be with me and chooses not to.

My friends joke that I'm a fatalist. It's usually after I make a prediction and it comes horribly true.

I'm going to die alone. I'm going to live alone. And when I die there will be three people that will care. Well, probably two, that third friend doesn't take care of his body very well...

I think one of the big things is that I'm at a point in my life where I'm just waiting to die. There isn't a future for me, not really. Just the same thing every day and then death. Fun.

I've tried explaining this but it's hard to explain. I'm living in my epilogue. My friends think I'm courageous for the way I stand up to and for people.

It's not courage, it's apathy with delusions of grandeur. I just don't care, my life's story is over.

Today I felt that even stronger. I'm ready for this to be over and am just waiting for the end.