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Sunday Musings - 020225

This morning, I decided that my usual sunny-side-up simply wouldn’t do. Sundays deserve something a little more indulgent, a little more special—so I let my egg transform into golden, cinnamon-kissed French toast. A small luxury, but a luxury nonetheless.

The rest of the day? A delicate balance between leisure and productivity. Too Hot to Handle had me in a vice grip (no regrets, I love that game), but I still managed to weave in moments of purpose—gathering ideas for my alter ego’s literary journey, tending to the house, and looking after my little cousin. Life, in its quiet rhythms.

And then, there was Animal Farm. A book I’ve picked up twice before, but never quite seen the way I do now. It’s fascinating how stories shift when read through older eyes—how words once skimmed over now demand to be felt. Perhaps this time, I’ll listen.

Today was a 6/10. Not extraordinary, not mundane—just a day, simply lived. Could I have done more? Maybe. But sometimes, being present in even the smallest moments is enough :)

what was it all for? 110225

I had a conversation with my aunt today. University came up. And for the first time in years, she said, “You should do what you love. I don’t want you to do something just because other people tell you to. It’s your life.”

And I just sat there. Because what the fuck?

Where was this energy when you told me art is just a hobby? When you told me I had to do architecture because money? When I spent years convincing myself that the thing I loved most in this world wasn’t real enough, wasn’t valuable enough to be my future?

Where was this when I forced myself through physics and math, subjects that drained me, killed my confidence, made me feel stupid and small? Where was this when I spent night after night feeling like a failure because I couldn’t mold myself into what you wanted?

And now, after all that, you’re suddenly saying, “Yeah, do what you love.” Like I didn’t just lose years of my life trying to be something I’m not. Like I didn’t break myself over and over again trying to meet your expectations.

And the worst part? I don’t even think she realizes how much this is fucking me up. How much I hate that she can just say that now, like it’s easy, like it doesn’t matter that I wasted years of my life because I thought I had no choice.

It’s like someone keeping you in a cage your whole life, telling you there’s no way out, telling you it’s for your own good. And then one day, they just open the door and go, “Oh, you can leave if you want.” And you’re standing there, shaking, realizing you could’ve walked out a long time ago.

And now I’m supposed to feel grateful? Relieved?

I don’t. I feel angry. I feel lost. I feel like I want to cry and scream and tear my own skin off because what was it all for?

I could’ve taken art in Year 12. I could’ve gotten A*s. I could’ve been confident in my skills instead of scrambling to prove to myself that I’m not a fucking idiot. I could’ve spent those years thriving instead of suffering.

But no. I had to do physics. I had to do math. I had to sit in classrooms where nothing made sense and watch my grades drop and feel like I was slowly disappearing.

And now you tell me it’s okay, I can do art? NOW?

And what if I do? What if I actually go ahead with it? Is she secretly going to sit there thinking, damn, she should’ve done architecture? Will she be supportive on the surface but secretly waiting for me to fail? To regret it?

Because that’s the thing with African guardians. You never really know what they’re thinking. They’ll say one thing but mean something else. They’ll act like they support you, but in their head, they’re already preparing for the “I told you so.”

And maybe that’s what scares me the most. That no matter what I do, I’ll always feel like I’m on the verge of disappointing them.

I hate this. I hate that I even have to feel this way. I hate that the thing that makes me happiest in the world is the thing that feels like the biggest risk. I hate that I’m still here, questioning myself, wondering if I’m making a mistake just because they made me believe it was one for so long.

And I can’t help but think… if I had been allowed to just be myself from the start, if I had been supported instead of redirected, maybe none of this would even be a question.

apologise for the vent, for souring your scroll, but I feel like I'm at my limit, this has tangled up my brain, and as scary as it sounds I feel hopeless, pointless, I don't fucking know, I don't want to think any more. Fuck.

190225

Entry +extra!!!

Nothing remarkable happened today. I went to town, hoping to find one of those portable mini magnetic chess sets—something small enough to keep in my bag, ready to unfold on a round café table for a spontaneous game with a stranger. But that idea remained a daydream.

On a serious note, I really need to get back into chess and other brain-stimulating games. Speaking of which—guess what? I solved a Sudoku puzzle today! It reminded me of my pre-smartphone days when I was a teenager obsessed with listening to the radio on my button phone (no, I’m not joking), hoarding newspapers just to cut out the comic strips, check my horoscope, and tackle the puzzle section. I was a genius back then. We love the fast-paced internet, don’t we? :D

Why Chess Should Be as Essential as Your Phone

Think about it! How often do you reach for your phone in moments of boredom, waiting, or awkward silence? Now imagine if, instead of scrolling, you pulled out a mini chess set and invited someone to play. The game becomes a conversation starter, a test of wit, and a window into the way another person thinks. You could be sitting across from a stranger, a friend, or even an elder with decades of experience, and through the game, you'd share a dialogue that goes beyond words.

Chess isn't just a pastime, it’s a tool for patience, strategy, and creativity. It sharpens your ability to plan ahead, recognize patterns, and make calculated decisions, skills that translate into everyday life. It’s like strength training for your brain, keeping your mind flexible and engaged.

We often talk about the lost art of deep conversation, but chess naturally invites it. A single match could lead to discussions about life, philosophy, history, or just casual banter. It breaks down social barriers and brings people together in a way that mindless scrolling never could. So why not make chess as essential as your phone? The connections, the stories, the lessons. It’s all there, waiting on the board.

090425

Lol I'm so sick I need to be locked up in a psych ward, or at least a therapist that can NOT be freaked to send me to one and will actually listen and heal me.

150525

Project research, planning, university searching, contemplating life, back to project, cut myself some shorts from jeans I don't wear, planning on what to do with the scraps, organise my dresser, vc with BFF, now to bed

april’s vibe: hyperfixation as a lifestyle choice

okay, so. i’ve decided april is the month i weaponize my obsessive tendencies. we’re structuring this like a villain origin story meets a Pinterest vision board. no chill, just results. here’s the plan:

DAILY NON-NEGOTIABLES (because autopilot is for airplanes)

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Mornings: Alarm goes off at 6:30 AM. no snooze, no TikTok rabbit holes. i splash cold water on my face like i’m in a montage. breakfast is ✨liquid✨—black tea, hibiscus, whatever. fasting till 3 PM because hunger is just capitalism’s way of distracting me.

-Workouts: Leg day? Arm day? Every day Squats, lunges, push-ups, planks—yes, even the thigh gap sculpt stuff. ugh. cardio is me speedwalking away from my own intrusive thoughts.

-Afternoons: Hyperfocus mode. coding lessons, Neocities updates (my 2003-core html shrine), job applications (two a day, minimum), and drawing my OCs like they’re my emotional support imaginary friends.

-Evenings: Pretend i’m a mysterious artist. video diaries no one will ever see. practicing model poses in the mirror like i’m about to walk NYFW. reading UX/UI textbooks in Italian? Sure. Phone off by 9 PM to avoid doomscrolling into the abyss.

WEEKLY MISSIONS(to avoid becoming a goblin)

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Week 1: Reset. Clean my room, delete 1,000 screenshots, make a moodboard that’s 70% anime OCs and 30% “hire me” energy.

- Week 2: Delulu escalation. Apply to jobs while listening to “I Am the Best” by 2NE1. Code a webpage that’s just a PNG of a frog. Detox Sunday: no internet, just me and my sketchbook.

- Week 3: Break the comfort zone. Post a cringe video diary. Walk like i’m in Black Swan but make it fashion.

- Week 4: Final boss mode. Five job apps in a day. Code a feature that’s definitely overkill. Compare progress pics and pretend i don’t scream internally.

WHY? Because by May, i want to look in the mirror and see someone who’s 10% hotter, 50% more employable, and 100% more feral about their dreams. The kind of glow-up that makes people side-eye me in the grocery store. Skinny toned legend who. Me. Exactly.

Yes I suffer from APD (angelic personality disorder)

170525 (yes these are my old pics)

Passion project...

I think I outdid myself yesterday lol, but it was worth it, I just missed the sanctuary of my bed toooo much after those 2 hrs I spent eating, musing, and drawing in public. Today I tried to search 4 unis, the one I was eyeing needed A level results, and wellll..... I cant provide them, and they don't offer bridging courses to their diplomas, infact all their diplomas need A level certs lol. Idk if I can call another uni to ask some stuff tomorrow but I'll try (oops I procrastinated abit too hard-don't learn that from me)

I have been thinking of my passion project lately, and I want to make it real instead of a silly little idea in the back of my mind that I use to distract myself when pressure becomes overwhelming. I even have a pre-project idea for it. If I had half the enthusiastic audience (my angels x) I have here but on TikTok, I think I would've started already and have much support and encouragement to bridge to the actual big project :')

So yeah, I've been brainstorming and pouring my soul into it for years; it keeps beating harder as my skin thickens and my heart feels more alive.

Maybe one day I'll share my plans with you guys, and if Tumblr isn't only about the teens in this mess of life together, then maybe it will become something big and real.

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I have been WAITING for this day yall 😭

Washed my laundry, and undid my overdue braids, watched House, while on call with my BFF while doing my sudoku