I Haven’t Posted In Three Years So Here Are A Bunch Of Warm Ups (I Actually Finished Two Huge Drawing

The Least Intimidating bakery in the village has closed for good so now I’ve got to go to the Intimidating Bakery, it’s awful. If you don’t have a PhD in being French I don’t recommend going to that bakery, here’s the humiliating account of the 3 times I’ve visited it so far:

the first time I went in there I pointed at one of those extra-skinny baguettes and said “a flute, please” feeling pretty sure of myself, and the baker said “… that’s a ficelle” (you idiot) (was implied) “a flute is twice as large as a baguette.”

That’s insane, first of all, a flute is a skinny instrument. Call your fat baguette a bassoon, lady—I made some timid remark about how it would make more sense for a flute to be a skinny bread and the baker said, “In Paris it is. I thought you were from the South?”

oh, that hurt

I guess I’m from the part of the South that’s so close to Italy the bread’s waist size matters less than whether it’s got olives in it, but I left the bakery having an existential crisis over whether living in Paris had made me forget my roots

the Least Intimidating Bakery just had normal baguettes vs. seedy baguettes vs. horny baguettes (easy mode, some have seeds, some have horns), while the new bakery has breads that are only different on a molecular level—there’s a good old loaf and then another, identical loaf called a bastard? google told me a bastard is “halfway between a baguette and a bread” but denouncing them like “those are not regulation-sized bastards” would get me banned from the bakery for life

on my 2nd visit (while I stood in line discreetly googling baguette terminology) there was an English tourist who asked for a baguette while pointing at what was either a rustique or a sesame and I felt a bit worried for them, but the baker just clarified “this one?” to waive any responsibility if they found out later it wasn’t a classic baguette, then handed them the bread without educating them in a judgmental tone and I felt envious

I know it’s because she thinks the English are beyond saving but still it made me want to come back with a fake moustache and an English accent so I wouldn’t be expected to play bakery on expert mode just because I’m French. I asked for a pastry this time and the baker asked “no bread with that?” which felt cruel, like she wanted me to sprinkle myself with ashes and admit out loud that my level of bread proficiency isn’t as advanced as I once believed it was

The third time I went, I had lost all self-confidence and I hesitantly pointed at a bread and said “I’d like this, uh—what is it called?” and the baker looked at me in disbelief and said “That’s a baguette.”

God.

for the record, if that stupid bread had been flanked by a skinny bread (ficelle) and a fat one (flute) then yeah of course I would have known to call it a baguette, but in the absence of reference points I now felt lost and scared of being called a Parisian again

it’s hard to express the depth of my suffering so I’ll just let the facts speak for themselves: this morning a French person (me) stood in a French bakery in France surrounded by French people and pointed at a baguette and said “what is this called”

Happy January 2nd.

Newt Scamander ~ ❀

Sparse - Novelty daughter

This is my fucking sister y’all. Our dad’s suck and if I or she ever get famous I will do my goddam best so he can’t speak anywhere. Like he’s obsessed by us being his legacy and I swear to god I will erase his name from goddam history if I can

got called trashy by my dad earlier lads

okay, so my dad - who I have no semblance of a relationship with, jsyk - just called me out of the blue to let me know that: 1. he didn’t like my ‘new look’ (which i haven’t changed, but never mind),

2. my makeup wasn’t ‘appropriate’ for a phd student + university teacher, 

3. if i wanted to use that kind of makeup, i should get a classier wardrobe,

4. my thesis supervisor would probably feel uncomfortable working with me because she doesn’t wear makeup (she does, but never mind #2),

(and my absolute favourite:) 

5. THAT MAKEUP IS A ‘SENSITIVE ISSUE’ IN FEMALE SPACES/COMMUNITIES (!!) AND THAT WEARING SOME MIGHT END UP PITTING US AGAINST ONE ANOTHER???!!!?!

i’m fucking floored, y’all. like, woah - i’m actually speechless rn. 

(this from the man who admitted to my face that he hadn’t been around for my sibling and me between ages 3-18 because we weren’t ‘interesting enough’, mind you.)

[img description: a person sitting crossed-legged quickly drawn holding what is a pink vaguely star-shaped object, with arrows pointing at the characters indicating "me", and at the object "the complex ideas of home, language, migration, food, parenting, family, and selling the house"]

It starts with再見 , a visual comic that was done in collaboration with @hellooitsjanet that I've worked on in my downtime since January.

translation 再見(zai jian)- goodbye/ see you again (i will) 你知道我是誰 (ni zhi dao wo shi sei)- do you know who i am (taunt, i am royalty) Ps: I will open my commisions soon so if you like what i do please consider sharing and getting in touch :)

and stay ✨soft ✨

music tag meme for quarantine tunes 🎵

rules: you can usually tell a lot about a person by the type of music they listen to. put your music on shuffle and list the first ten songs, then tag ten people. no skipping!

ty @ladynoblesong​ for tagging me ! I was really lucky bc I like all the songs that were on my shuffle so I included my favorite lyrics to each woops.

1. Madame Klaude – Therapie Taxi “Regarde-moi tendrement dans les yeux Je suis le garçon de la fille que tu veux. ”

2. Tilted – Chris tine and the queens “I match them with my euphoria When they said, "Je suis plus folle que toi."” 3.Oxford Blood – Autoheart “We need a lot of love to combat the evil Lying in a bathtub hoping for a miracle”

4.Murder on the dancefloor - Sophie Ellis-Bextor “If you think your gettin' away I will prove you wrong”

5. J’entends – Angèle “Je rêve de pouvoir rêver comme toi, et l'œil se ferme mais pas l'oreille, elle m'empêche de rêver, aide-moi.”

6.Some Nights (Intro) – Fun.  “Oh my God! Have you listened to me lately? Lately, I've been fucking crazy...”

7. People, I’ve been sad – Christ ine and the Queens “Adolescence contrariée par une solitude folle Maintenant quand je suis dehors, le soleil me brûle encore »

8.Don't Lose Ur Head - Original West End Cast of Six “Ooo, I wanna dance and sing Politics, not my thing”

9. Hope in the air – Laura Marling “And give us your strength world, and your food and your water, oh, I am your saviour, your last serving daughter.”

10.Luck – American Authors “Please forgive me I can't remember/ Please forgive me, no one is calling/ Please forgive me, I can't believe it, No.”

i also make playlists on spotify, if that’s your thing at all!

I don’t like tagging people, maybe someday... But anyone feel free to do this if u want I guess :)

The pecking order went from acrobats to lion tamers from clowns to carnies