Cw: Suicidal Intent/thoughts

Cw: Suicidal intent/thoughts

There is a underlying sadness to Christian that seemingly goes unnoticed, both by his friends and the fans themselves. This is much more prevalent in the musical as it comes to a head with him nearly taking his own life on stage. Interestingly enough this was built up to throughout the show and not “just over a girl” though she plays a part in it. Christian is actually quite a sad figure when you look deeper into his character besides love sick American.

He expressly states from the beginning arriving in Montmartre he came to find

“Where I could belong. Where my heart could be free. To be a child of the revolution! To be artist…to fall in love. To loose myself in the dazzling chaos of Montmartre. Everything I wanted to be etc”

He gives such a wistful monologue about this being the place he had dreamed of for so long. He knows exactly what the Denison’s are, what they do and stand for and he’s been longing for it. Christian is also aware the bohemian life is one not made to last- they burn passionately but are put out quickly. They die young. Be that by their own hand, addiction, murder, disease etc. He knows all of this and it’s what he wants. (My heroes have the heart etc. This is much later but much more direct and about artistic suicide).

Christian is a sensitive boy. We don’t know much about his life before arriving in Paris but what we do know is he studied music in school and that his father is a absolutely horrible man. One who he probably had to fight to even learn music, one who would do anything to beat the sweet and sensitive Christian into a “Real man”. From this we can probably gage his family is well off, upper-middle, enough to send him to boarding school or university. He views paris as a escape from his “Suffocating life in America” he wants to be wild and free and himself like all of his heroes— this is where he can truly live! Poverty or not.

When he meets satine he falls in love for the first time, in his narration he even admits to being irrational. She is everything to him. She’s his first real experience with human connection on a romantic level and I can suspect she knows far more about him than even Toulouse and Santiago. Satine is far more than his lover, she’s his everything- as cheesy as it sounds. Loving her makes life worth living. In come what may he quite literally states “suddenly my life doesn’t seem such a waste”. He’s not as naturally optimistic as everyone around him thinks- her love and the dazzle of the new world around him is what’s making him so, he’s riding that high. When he crashes? It’s hard. “Why else suffer through this life, if not for love?”

And yet, they all view him as a hopeful boy with his whole life ahead of him as if he hadn’t arrived in Paris to throw it away. To bury himself in a fast , passionate but short life of art and feeling. He’s here for a second chance, to give meaning to his life— he wouldn’t leave it behind this place is why he’s so happy and alive! Toulouse and Satine think he’s trapped here, think they drag him down etc while ignoring its expressly what he wants…this is what dooms them all. By trying to protect him, lie to him, “give him a chance” he’s getting hurt far more.

“Who came to Paris to find himself and instead found all of this. A place to belong, people to love, and a woman. A woman who showed him all that truly matters in life.”

Christian would rather live incredibly poor and with a moderate writing success that rich and unable to fully express himself. Something I love about johns performance is that during Roxanne “Feelings I canttttt hide!” He hits himself in the head- he’s both incredibly drunk but also tearing himself apart because he can’t hide how he feels even for a little bit and that always ends poorly. Even here- even a place so wild and open he messed things up, while he’s a very springy and optimistic character at times. I’m tired of this nuance and underlying sadness going ignored.