What It Feels Like To

My best friend

Writing my heart out was never easy

But her friendship was so breezy

I first met her on the school bus

She had a lot of questions to buzz

Who was I, why was I so

I was new so she did not know

We got to talking slowly

The bond was new but cozy

We became close

Just two nut heads with screws loose

She became candid

Although my shyness still bid

She was never the perfect soul

But I appreciated her flaws in its whole

People told me she is imposing

I just thought that people were intruding

Many hated her for being honest

But for me her honesty brought us closest

I never knew a person who could speak her heart out

She was different without a doubt

She was a critic at best

She always reviewed me like the rest

We are poles apart

But still together at heart

We had the greatest blast

With her i even wished for the uncomfortable bus trips to last

We never found a medication to our condition

But it gave a lot of happy moments to our edition

It was so easy with her

She never bothered if my answer was contrasting with her

We were comfortable in our skin

We never expected each other to be akin

We have been close through ups and downs

Even talking once a few months didn't bring our friendship to ground

She always said seven years are all we need

After that nobody can break our bond even if they bleed

I didn't take it seriously ever

But now it is a truth forever

Today she means a lot

I never regret doing something for her even as much as a dot

I am willing to be her safety net

I will always be in her debt

My Turn

It's so confusing

Today was my day of refusing

But that person took my turn

It feels like burn

I always used to think

Why me getting angry or depressed used to bring my mother to brink

Now it seems so obvious

She must have been holding a lot of stuff that's serious

Because that's what is happening with me each day

I am going through a lot but keeping my emotions at bay

It's easier to tackle things around

If only the people near you are not pulling you to ground

I wake up and try to smile

But even a single person being sad and angry makes me think a mile

It feels like cheating to me

I have so much to feel, how are they even beating me

Someone said your coping mechanisms' great

But I need to express is what I felt

Faking my emotions so others don't feel depressed

Is too much of a burden as I read

Sometimes I am on the verge of breakdown

But someone else grabs the sad crown

I feel so betrayed

I even dread

I know it's attention seeking clearly

But it was my time to show my problems dearly

You took that away

Now I have no idea how to get my way

I don't know if it's wrong

But when one person is sad I think I don't have the right to sing my sad song

So I keep on storing

And it's easy enduring

But again one day someone is at dismay

I start feeling the angst because even though I wasn't planning to say

That person seems to have taken my turn

And I have got the burn

So I get angry and depressed

I don't try to show it but it gets expressed

No I am not copying anyone

It just me feeling that I didn't get a chance to express to someone

It's so intimidating to see myself in a mirror because I see me and then this another person who is not me. A person who is just an amalgamation of my mother, my father and my grandparents. A person who is not one but many. And it is so amazing and frightening at the same time. The fact that like every other thing, like every other incident, and person, you also hold the potential to be beautiful and scary not only to others but to your own self too.

Not loneliness but a peaceful abode

It's so lovely to walk on an empty road

It's not loneliness but a peaceful abode

The winds going slowly

Making your hairs a messy fun

You make the map to walk on

Nothing specific for your attention to lock on

You take your favourite turns

You can open yourself and run

The grass even on your side seems greener

You are not you but someone with a different demeanor

You might go back to the memory lane

But it's so nice that it doesn't give you pain

You can remember your favourite song

You might realise you haven't listened it for so long

You might sigh but it's a sigh of relief

There is no one to give you social anxiety

You can think the things you never think about

You can feel the emotions you were unaware about

It's not tragic

But just magic

Back home, Connell’s shyness never seemed like much of an obstacle to his social life, because everyone knew who he was already, and there was never any need to introduce himself or create impressions about his personality. If anything, his personality seemed like something external to himself, managed by the opinions of others, rather than anything he individually did or produced. Now he has a sense of invisibility, nothingness, with no reputation to recommend him to anyone.

- Normal people by Sally Rooney

Sometimes you had planned so much about a life with a certain person in it, that even a picture or a memory of them today can make you feel completely empty from inside. Although you were happily living your life on your own till yesterday and its been years of not being in touch with them.

Sometimes it hits you exactly in your core. The realisation that you just not have that one person with whom you are never going to be angry, the person who gets your mood even before you realise, and someone to whom you can rant everything out.

I wish I knew you before I knew you

Nobody loves me the way that you do

Wish we were friends when we were kids

I think it'd still feel just like this

I just can't stop missing you

When it gets late in my hotel room

Tell me what time you're coming through

Why did I get so hooked on you?

Knew you by Kailee Morgue

What feminism means to me?

Whenever I come across a new word, my first approach towards understanding it, is through the kind of words it is related to or the impression that word has on me. And only when I don't find either of it, I go for the dictionary. So, when I came across this word "FEMINISM" my basic approach told me that it is a word related to females and it's impression was that, it is related to some bigger cause. Therefore for a very long time the meaning of feminism for me was supporting women and their growth. But little did I know that this small word means something completely different.

Feminism as I now know is supporting equal rights to both the sexes. Yes, the meaning I earlier made out really seems correct because eventually females are the oppressed class and if we help them grow then the meaning of feminism will be fulfilled. But still this approach lacks the real essence. I mean personally I don't want a single place to give women preferential treatment, I don't even like the reserved seats in bus for women, because if you are reserving seat for women then why not you label the other seats as reserved for men. The truth is even if we ask the government to label the other seats as men's seat they won't, because it will make men look weak, it will make them look as the class of society who needs preference/reservation in such basic things, especially when they are "strong" enough to stand in the bus all through the journey (which they definitely don't do but they are strong enough). I think labelling seats as reserved for pregnants, sick patients and elderly is the correct approach. I don't know what you think but for me indirectly getting labelled as weak who needs support is not feminism at all.

I know that we are not biologically same, we have our differences and no matter what, they won't change. But when men and women can climb the same Mt. Everest, why can't they achieve the same respect in society. My question is why does a female manager gets less wages than a male manager, even when the man manages just his office while a woman manages her family and office together. I have heard people discuss greatly of single dads but a woman is always a single mom. I agree that time is changing dads are more involved now but still in most of the Indian households it is still the mother who is responsible for a child's health, education, upbringing, etc the only contribution dad's have is giving money and majority of women can earn that also now. Still I haven't heard a single person saying "she brought up her kid alone". So no appreciation at work or home for females, and that's precisely what needs to be changed.

There are so many causes which we take under the movement of feminism but in reality belong to the movement of humanity. Do you think domestic violence is something feminists should fight for or humanists should fight for? Like as a feminist I must have one approach that I don't care if domestic violence is considered correct but if it is correct then women should also get a chance and not be judged for beating up their husbands. Like that is what we are asking "equal rights". So for me it is something humanists should fight for and not feminists. I guess you would have understood by this description that there are so many things, so many instances and moments where we women are not even treated like humans. So, yes how can we jump on getting equal rights if we are not even getting basic human rights.

This is why the meaning of feminism is so blurry because we have to fight for basic rights first then only we can aim for equal rights. In all this, I am still against reservation for women because anyhow labelling us weak is not true to the essence of feminism. I am clearly against undermining the good men by accusing "all men". I am against not fighting those women who act even worsely than men and are the biggest hater of a woman's growth. So today and everyday I ask the world to treat me as they would treat a woman, but to end all differences between a man and a woman. I think most of the women, girls, females want the same thing.

In an ideal world I hope that all men and women are equally appreciated, supported and treated. I hope there are more scenarios where we act as humans and not men or women. I hope we could clear the gender boundaries at workplaces, public places and become more respectful of each other. We don't have to worry because all consider each other as humans respect each other's rights and existence. Most importantly we don't have to fight for basic human respect.

Found the diagnosis to my problems...

Autophobia

Morbid fear of solitude, or of being left alone, abandoned or ignored.

P.S.: Solitude is often good but the rest are just dreadful.