I Miss Summer

yellowjackets season tre is out alredy??? and i didn't know anything about it??

i loove today's weather, it's cloudy - but still hot, just more bearable than usual. I went out in the backyard and it was mystical, I could smell the rain that is about to come and hear the cicadas (as always). It just gave me the will and the strength to stay out of my bedroom for a while, which isn't easy at all. I think I'm happy this way

i'm attending my first 18th birthday party this weekend and i just want to cryy😭😭 the girl who invited me is so sweet but i've never been to one before and i've got nothing to wear (nor have i the idea of what im supposed to wear + clothes in normal stores usually don't fit me), i'm not able to do my own makeup and, worst of all, im not so sure about the gift im bringing her.

what makes me so sad is that i've tried to ask for help to my mother, my sister and two girls who are supposed to be my best friends and none of them cared AT ALL. every time i talked to them about it they just made me feel like a burden and that i was stressing them by following them around like someone who doesn't get that they are not wanted

i only want to make a good impression and don't want to look weird😭 why does nobody care about me

also, one of those two girls is in my same class, ive considered her as my best friend for years now and not only she made me cry on my last birthday, but also forgot about it this year. i mean i'll be 17 next week but i heard her today talking to a classmate of ours: they were planning to hang out together with other classmates RIGHT next to me and they were deciding between doing it this saturday or the next one - which is my birthday. well my friend insisted on doing this meet up next weekend - i repeat, the day of my birthday - as she is gonna be busy on this one. in that very moment my heart shattered. what the hell like what do you mean??? she has done things like that before and whenever i succeded in bringing it up - it's very difficult for me to talk about what upsets me and she knows it - she just told me that she obviously didn't do that on purpose and that she only forgot about it/me. it didn't come to her mind at that very moment. as if it weren't even worse

but i'm not scared, there's nothing to lose now that i found you

and so it's autumn. i don't want to go back to school.

my love-making is my legacy.

let me put on a show for you, tiger